Part four: What has life been like with New Sister?
Busy. Very, very busy!
It has been a much different experience with this child than bringing home any of the other (biological) children.
The first week home, we had serious jet lag. It was awful but surprisingly not as bad as trip one. We concluded that trip one's jet lag was prolonged because of all of the emotional aspects of meeting Little Miss and leaving her behind, etc. This time around, we got to bring her home. We were a family; we were all united.
The older sisters were so pumped to finally meet this little girl that they had prayed over for two years. The youngest daughter (before Little Miss) walked up to her new sister and the first thing she said to her was, "I am the big sister and you are the little sister"!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! It was soooooo funny and sweet and genuine. This new Big Sister had waited more than half of her life for her little sister to share a room with her and to be here. That's a long time for a 4 year old!
All of the kids just wanted to play with their new "baby" sister and to love on her ALL.THE.TIME. The problem, however, was that this new sister wanted nothing to do with toys, and nothing to do with the craziness of her Big Sisters. In fact, she was so overwhelmed by the kids, that we had to have a rule that only one or two kids were allowed on the throw rug with her. It was so tiring having to police the kids for the first couple of weeks. Understandably, they wanted to play with their new sister and to watch her all the time. They didn't see that it made Little Miss uncomfortable or that all the staring was making it a zoo-like atmosphere. We also had issues with the oldest being jealous that she was no longer able to give Little Miss all the attention that she gave in Bulgaria. She had a hard time sharing her sister and was also suffering from jet lag and catching up with her school work.
Hubby was able to work from home for the month after we arrived back. This allowed us to go to appointments and to take care of the issues with the other kids' need for attention and for us to cocoon ourselves in order to establish bonding and attachment with our new daughter. It was nice to be able to send the girls off to school during the day. This gave us QUIET time. Blissful quiet. Much needed quiet. Little Miss thrived during this time also. Every day or so, she would surprise us with a new skill or development. She came out of her shell and began to blossom faster than I had ever imagined.
2 weeks after Little Miss had joined us, this little baby, only skin and bones had a bit more meat on her bones, became more alert and looked for her mom and dad in a room. Progress baby, progress!
We were super blessed by people who made meals for our family. The girls (and us) were very excited about these surprise dinners. I'm almost certain, we would have been eating peanut butter and jam sandwiches for supper for at least week ha ha!! No joke. I am still not really cooking meals!!!
A week after we got home, we took Little Miss for her first doctor's appointment. What a gong show! The doctor freaked out because of a translation problem with the medical file that said she tested positive for TB. The doctor wouldn't touch her and sent her to the clinic to be tested. The day after, she phoned to say that she read the form wrong and that she was almost certain, the form meant she was vaccinated for TB. We did the test anyways and that SUCKED! Sure enough, she doesn't have it! Scared us after that too. I felt like an awful person because we were exposed to so many people. Blah. I'm glad that is behind us. We also had to test for parasites a few times...ummm.... that is NOT fun either! Absolutely not fun chasing down a child's diaper...especially when she only went at night time. Also glad that is behind us (and also tested negative)
We celebrated Mother's Day the week after we arrived home also. I had to go to my kindergartner's class that Friday to watch her performance and get the Mother's Day spa treatment complete with painted fingernails by dear daughter. That nail polish was very hard to get off that evening. I think it's a cruel joke that the teacher's play on the moms. I mean, really, who wants to walk around with messed up polish all over every nail AND finger? Maybe I was still jet lagged...maybe...
Mother's Day Sunday was nice though. It was such an amazing feeling to have ALL of my babies together. There was no sense of loss or sadness like the previous year. They made me waffles for breakfast. Yum! Each of my daughters holds such an important piece of my heart. I am truly amazed at my family and how beautiful each daughter is and how amazing their hearts are.
We took Little Miss to the park after the second week. She loves being outside. She had no idea how to swing. She was so floppy. She very much enjoys swinging though. Today she is even able to hold herself up in the swing. That is pretty much the only thing she can do at the park though. She cannot crawl or slide by herself. Her sisters will hold her and take her down the slide. She is good for a few rides down but then gets mad/bored.
May 12, two and a half weeks after being with us, we weighed her. She went up 1.5 pounds! You could see it on her body, you could feel it when you carried her. She had more color, more life to her, more energy and sparkle. She even began to attempt to move around on her carpet. This was a new little girl.
This third week, I was seriously stir crazy. A new normal needed to be had. It was a tough week. A friend of ours invited us to her place. We took her up on the offer, knowing that there was zero pressure to entertain and we wanted to see how Little Miss would do out of her cocoon in a social environment. Our friend's little boy is the same age as our daughter and he also has Down Syndrome. We knew that our friend wouldn't push us or Little Miss out of our comfort (like hold our baby during this time). Little Miss did well but we could see that she was not quite where we wanted her to be with feeling secure and safe with me (hubby was at home working).
Cocooning is lonely. Whenever we left the house, one parent remained home with Little Miss to keep her world small and the stimulus to a minimum. Many people do not understand this process. Unless you have read about and researched and then been involved in this process, you will never be able to appreciate the concept of the cocooning/attachment/bonding process. I am sure that we hurt feelings but we also do not regret our efforts. We KNOW where Little Miss started and we KNOW where she is at now. We see her milestones and accomplishments. We feel her comfort and see her searching for us in a room.
Within the third week, this child, that was only bottle fed, ate those Gerber Puffs! First by having us place it into her mouth and then by her using her OWN HANDS to eat them! She fed herself! Astonishing! Didn't see that one coming. I thought it would be a long time before she self-fed, to be quite honest! VERY QUICKLY after that moment, she came to enjoy her food more. She figured out how to get those puffs into her mouth, and then yogurt melts. We even got her gumming a cereal bar! Unreal.
Her play even started to form. Instead of just watching the happenings of the room, she would play with her musical book and actually hit the button on it to make it sing. Ahh! Amazing!
Occupational Therapy and Physical Therapy sessions began a month after arriving home. She will also be getting Speech Therapy in the fall. I think she listens in on her therapy sessions because every time the therapists gave her something to work on, Little Miss has conquered the goals quicker than we had all anticipated. In OT, she is working on feeding and in PT, she is working on crawling and strengthening her leg muscles.
So, in the six weeks now we went from bottle to spoon to putting things into her own mouth. She was at 21.6 pounds last week! Yay! She began to teeth last week also and this has caused all new changes again! Now she REFUSES the bottle, a cup, anything that holds liquids. It has been a very hard week spoon feeding her necessary liquids to avoid dehydration. She wanted nothing to do with her food either. Every meal is a struggle. It is stressful and tiring for myself...the main food provider. She needs food and nutrients but it is such a battle. We bought a thickener for her drinks (I had to go out of town to find the stuff!!). It has helped a lot. She has even stopped puking for a couple of days.
We are struggling with reflux and a possible dairy intolerance (both issues associated with Down Syndrome). She really needs to get into an ENT. The referral system for Little Miss to get into her specialists has been awful. We are awaiting many people that can help us figure out her health concerns. Thankfully, out OT has been phenomenal with brainstorming ideas to get food and nutrients into her. Today, by some miracle, we got her to suck a straw attached to a baby puree pack! Ahhh! A STRAW! That is a BIG deal. Ahhh! Her teeth haven't popped through yet, but today she ate well again. I was getting a bit worried. Hopefully tomorrow is just as successful. Maybe she will try the cup...or the straw...anything is fine with me so long as she drinks!
As for her motor skills, she is really trying hard to get on all fours. She has taken a few "steps" on all fours. This is so different from her flopping backwards after sitting for 5 minutes. She doesn't love toys, however she will grab at some now. She loves her jumperoo and even plays with the toys attached to it. She has even put toys into her mouth! It may seem like a natural thing that babies do...but this 2 year old wouldn't do it.
Her language skills are bare minimum. She babbles a few sounds (m, b, d). We had learned VERY quickly on that she knew and could say the word "NAY"! Bulgarian word for NO. She said nay the most during her traumatizing feedings, and when we brush her teeth. She HATES getting her teeth brushed. It takes two of us. One to hold her hands and the other to brush. Her gums were so raw and bled so much. They still bleed but not as bad. She doesn't fight the brushing as much either. There have been days that she has actually just let us do it. On those days where she lets us into her mouth, we do a VERY QUICK sweep of the teeth and praise her for not putting up a fight.
All in all, we are really happy with the progress that Little Miss has been making. It is extremely rewarding to see her blossom as much as she has already.
Has this transition been easy? Nope. Not at all. Has there been tears? Yep! Meltdowns? Yep (not going to lie, these were by both child and by momma). There have been days of extreme exhaustion and frustration and what-the-heck-did-I-get-myself-into; days of failure and fear and days of wanting to give up and of self-pity. I felt guilty for having these feelings. After all, I didn't grow up in an institution, I wasn't abandoned at birth. I didn't fear food. I had a loving family and snuggly blankets. I'm sure I had post-adoption blues (yes, there is post- adoption depression to look out for too...just like post-postpartum depression). That was a big reason why it took so long to post on this blog. It was hard to write when I felt like crap! I am still processing all that I saw in Bulgaria. All that I see in my new daughter. Missing two years of her crucial life, I am trying to learn EVERY detail about her. Every facial expression and sound she makes. What she likes and does not like. Is her reaction a result of being orphaned vs Down Syndrome vs language and culture differences vs being 2.5 years old?? So much to think of, so much to process. I can't explain it to everyone. Hopefully I did a good job in this post.
We haven't been to church yet. For some reason, the thought of church overwhelms me. I find it a very overwhelming place on a normal day. Very loud music, then super quiet sermon followed by extremely hyper kids leaving Sunday School. It's not an easy place to converse and it just feels chaotic and yet lonely at the same time. We are really hoping to try soon...possibly this week. We have said this a couple of times though so I am not promising anything. Even if we do go, we may not stay for the whole time. We will follow the lead of Little Miss and see where that takes us. If we do go, it will probably have taken my all to get out of the house. I really want to personally thank the members of our congregation that helped us through every sing part of this journey.
I hope and pray that our journey opens the hearts to more families. I haven't sugar-coated anything. I wanted this blog to be raw...just like our journey. THANK YOU to all who have helped us, prayed for us and continue to support us during this transition time. In some ways it is like having a newborn but in others, it is a crazy different ride. I love my new daughter to pieces. She blends right into our family. She feels like the missing piece to our family puzzle. It is the first time that I have felt our family as a complete, whole unit. I am one lucky mom and wife.
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