Another Raw (humbling) Day

 There are many people reading our blog now. It is really weird. People in the process of adopting, people looking into adoption themselves, friends, family, strangers, people from our church, people from our community, people whom we may or may not know.  Sometimes it is hard to do this blog because we are generally VERY private people.  A good friend of mine had mentioned that I write things here that even she didn`t know about me and our family.

This blog was started for many reasons.  One of them was to keep friends and family in the loop, another was to journal for other adoptive families.  Part of journaling is to share the raw, deep feelings and emotions.  If we sugar-coated everything about this process, other adopting families may view their hardships as uncommon and specific to them.

Today was a day that I was being tested.  I am ashamed to say that I was losing this battle.  I shed tears.  Not a pretty sight.  I think there is just so much build up of anticipation right now. 

Our dossier is still taking it`s trip around Canada getting authenticated and notarized by all the fancy-schmany government people.  I am tired of it being in Canada!  I want this puppy (the dossier) to be in Europe already!  I am impatient, I know...I`m working on it. 

We had a minor scare with the grant folks today.  They told us we were missing all of our references (three people had to fill out a one page form on us).  Yikes!  Turns out, they had the wrong family.  Phew!  That would have been a hassle to gather those forms again.

Our first ever fundraiser for our family`s adoption is in less than two weeks away.  Although we have had some positive feedback, I am really quite nervous about it too.  I feel like there have been a couple of stumbling blocks and confusion about how it is going to run and I am honestly quite nervous that it could flop. I want that fairy godmother moment... the one where she waves a magical wand and makes everything little detail just perfect.  Ahh...wishful thinking :)

I am having such a hard time accepting that it is OK to fundraise.  I feel like people are judging me and I don`t like it one bit.  When I get like this, I have to remember that we are not raising funds for ME...we are raising money to free a child from the bondage of her orphanage walls.  This child DESERVES people to fight for her.  She is God`s child every bit as much as I am!  She DESERVES to be loved and cared for and have a mom and dad who are willing to step out in FAITH for her!  She DESERVES a church family to grow up with.  She DESERVES to go to school and have sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins who love her, she deserves to play freely and try different foods and activities!  God made her!  God put her here for a PURPOSE!  SHE HAS A PURPOSE! 

And so, when things don't work in our favour, I get scared.  I freak out.  I get overwhelmed and emotional.  After my epic temper tantrums about how this all sucks,  I realize that I am taking this adoption back into my hands again.  I am not being patient.  I am not trusting in God, that He has a plan and a purpose for all of this.  And so, I pray.

Today, my daughters and I joined hands together and we prayed.  Literally, within minutes, things changed.  The paperwork for the grant wasn't missing anymore.

This evening, I made a comment to a friend about the money involved.  I said something to him along these lines: "I still need close to $30 000... is it just going to rain from the sky?!?!??! (lots of sarcasm in voice)".  I got back home and there was a message on our machine about someone wanting to donate to our adoption.  SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?  Umm...sorry God.  I didn't trust You... I feel like a tool.

Ten minutes after that call, I found out I won an awesome fancy cake that I am able to use as another fundraiser!  How cool is that!?!?!

Prayer...  Powerful.  Useful.  Required.  Needed.

 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

Thank you for those who prayed for us today when we asked. Thank you to those who are praying for us when we don't.