Blessed

I know this is a bit late.  It has been a crazy busy week.  School was winding down for Christmas break and we had three concerts for the girls this week.  Then to top things off, I have been sick for two weeks (going on three) and the girls have been taking turns becoming sick in one way or another. 

Our first fundraiser was hosted by our church last Sunday.  Let me just say...it went above and beyond our expectations.  God told us to trust Him.  I admit, that I panicked, I doubted and I was scared that the fundraiser wasn't going to be a success.  My standard for a successful event was to *hopefully* fundraise something over $500 (I was really hoping for $1000).  Can you imagine our surprise when we were told that we were blessed with EIGHT times the amount that I predicted!?!?!Eight TIMES...our church raised and blessed our family with over $4000!!!!!!  Our NEXT set of fees is available!!!!! As soon as we get a proposal we are ready to go :)   Well, that is until we have to travel ha ha!

Thank you to all who donated items to our auction; the kids who created the art and ornaments to be auctioned and, of course, the people who bid and donated financially.  We are humbled and grateful to be able to put these blessings towards this little girl's ransom!  Our daughter-to-be was blessed with a BEAUTIFUL blanket that was donated by one awesome lady and bid by another amazing woman.  The bidder donated it to our little one!  I CAN NOT wait to wrap her up in it!  It's so soft and heavy.  It will be a great sensory blanket for her!

We were in total shock and disbelief for a couple of days following the news of the amount raised.  We were filled with so many emotions. We felt extremely blessed and humbled and in complete awe.  We also felt like fools because we got scared, because we panicked and questioned and doubted leading up to the day.  We keep seeing the awesomeness of God and how He is preparing the way for his child.  God put us on this path and He is definitely making the path straight!  Maybe one day I will get over myself and stop taking things into my own hands; stop worrying and doubting and trust more. 

“I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.  (Matt 17:20)

This verse played over and over in my head the days leading up to the fundraiser.  A mustard seed is so very very tiny and I can't even come up with that much faith at times!  Even when I know in my heart and have seen the proof and keep telling myself, " God has a plan, God is in control, trust God, etc", I would still hear the voice of opposition.  Sometimes it comes through thoughts of doubt and fear and other times it comes through other people's words and actions.

While we wait for our paperwork to be accepted by the B government, we ask that people join us in prayer as we wait to hear the results of the grant we applied for.  We *should* be hearing back with the decision in the next couple of weeks.  It will be also be a huge blessing to our adoption fund! It still frustrates me how expensive international adoption is.  It's just not fair to the poor children that are waiting for a family.  Thank you to everyone that prays for us.  Thank you so much!

Dossier going to country

Our Dossier has taken its trip around Canada!  Whoop whoop!  It is being sent off to B in the next day or so (at least that is what my agency had said).  I just mailed off the next fees to the agency today too.  Nothing like paying over $2000 right before Christmas!  Barf!  Oh well, maybe, just maybe we will have our wee one here next Christmas????  You never know!

I went to the bank today to get the money order (we had to have the fees transferred to USD funds...make sense???  I don't think so either!).  The lady helping me waived the bank fees once she figured out it was for an adoption.  How nice was that!?!?  I, then, went back to the post office (they know me there now ha ha) to have the money order mailed off.  I must have sounded like a crazy lady to them. I was basically saying to the poor lady behind the counter that the envelope was a money order and asked if it was best to register mail it because it is worth a lot of money and I didn't want it lost or anything blah blah blah....ha ha!  She looked at the envelope that clearly states it's to the adoption agency and tells me that the truck is out back and she'll stick it on right now (which she did as I was standing there).  Wow!  Nice people today!  God put the right people in my path today.

Now it is time to get the fundraising pumping!  Once the dossier is submitted to the Ministry of Justice in B, they will review it and may request additional documents (arg, I pray they don't need anything else from us!!!).  Once our application is accepted, we will be entered into the database of adoptive applicants waiting to be matched with our daughter!!!!  Oh.My.Goodness!!!!  Yikes!

Once we are matched (this could be very quickly or could be a while too), we will be required to pay our agency $4700 to go ahead and proceed.  So...this is the next targeted fee!  It looks VERY daunting.  We are still praying that we receive the grant from ABBA.  It would make a HUGE dent in the $4700.  Please add this to your prayers. 

After the proposal fees are paid, then come the ones for the agency in B, travel, accommodations, orphanage donations, food, passport for child, etc.  After talking with the travel agent, we estimate our travel to be over $6000 each trip.  Yay!  Factor in the B agency fees, etc this portion of the adoption process will cost around $20000. 

What a scary number.  I think I may need to have a piece of chocolate! 

God has opened doors throughout this journey.  We continue to ask for your prayers, specifically for the grant to be given to us, the paperwork to get to the right people, the forms to be good, ,all the people involved in every aspect of this journey, our family, the little girl we are waiting for, and for the fundraiser on Sunday to be successful. 

Thanks!

Fundraiser Number One

The title of this post is pretty self-explanatory.  We have been blessed by a wonderful lady from our church who has set up a fundraiser for our family's adoption.  She has gone beyond what we could have imagined. 

The children in our church have worked sooooo hard at making BEAUTIFUL art work to be auctioned and ornaments to be sold by donation.  The church foyer is decorated with all of these pieces.  I can't step into the church without wanting to bawl my eyes out because of people's love.  Children have come up to me and shared what they made to donate to help bring the little girl home.  Some of these children "get it"!  We are humbly honoured and thankful.  This little girl probably will never understand the process it took to get her here but she will feel the love that surrounds her. 

The second part of the fundraiser is a gift-bag auction.  People have filled and donated  themed gift bags (such as crafts, tools, coffee, tea, etc) to be auctioned off next Sunday following the Children's Christmas Play.  These bags are AWESOME!  People have donated stuff that I would love to get for Christmas :).  My sister was visiting a few weeks ago and made a few of the bags (along with my mom that sent them here).  What support!  I am tearing up right now as I write this.  This little girl, whom we don't know yet, is blessed to have AMAZING people fighting for her arrival. 

Please pray for this fundraiser to be successful. Please also pray for the dossier to make it to country quickly and with no problems.  God has a plan and we are honoured to be a part of it.  We have felt God's presence in way's that we can't describe.  I know that there are people that read this blog that don't understand the whole "God thing" and we have even been asked to tone down the "God stuff".  We can't do it though.  Once God is the focus of your life, you view life differently.  Things that seem hopeless have hope.  Things that are impossible become possible through Jesus.  God has called us to adopt; to take a leap of FAITH.  To put our full trust and obedience in Him.  He never said it would be easy.  Some of the trials we have had, we have come out with a better understanding of why it happened that way (sometimes it takes a looooonnnngg time to see it mind you).

Thank you to all who are supporting us, whether it is by your words of encouragement or listening to us rant, or by praying for us, or by providing to the auction, or financial contributions/donations.  We are grateful for all the support. 

Another Raw (humbling) Day

 There are many people reading our blog now. It is really weird. People in the process of adopting, people looking into adoption themselves, friends, family, strangers, people from our church, people from our community, people whom we may or may not know.  Sometimes it is hard to do this blog because we are generally VERY private people.  A good friend of mine had mentioned that I write things here that even she didn`t know about me and our family.

This blog was started for many reasons.  One of them was to keep friends and family in the loop, another was to journal for other adoptive families.  Part of journaling is to share the raw, deep feelings and emotions.  If we sugar-coated everything about this process, other adopting families may view their hardships as uncommon and specific to them.

Today was a day that I was being tested.  I am ashamed to say that I was losing this battle.  I shed tears.  Not a pretty sight.  I think there is just so much build up of anticipation right now. 

Our dossier is still taking it`s trip around Canada getting authenticated and notarized by all the fancy-schmany government people.  I am tired of it being in Canada!  I want this puppy (the dossier) to be in Europe already!  I am impatient, I know...I`m working on it. 

We had a minor scare with the grant folks today.  They told us we were missing all of our references (three people had to fill out a one page form on us).  Yikes!  Turns out, they had the wrong family.  Phew!  That would have been a hassle to gather those forms again.

Our first ever fundraiser for our family`s adoption is in less than two weeks away.  Although we have had some positive feedback, I am really quite nervous about it too.  I feel like there have been a couple of stumbling blocks and confusion about how it is going to run and I am honestly quite nervous that it could flop. I want that fairy godmother moment... the one where she waves a magical wand and makes everything little detail just perfect.  Ahh...wishful thinking :)

I am having such a hard time accepting that it is OK to fundraise.  I feel like people are judging me and I don`t like it one bit.  When I get like this, I have to remember that we are not raising funds for ME...we are raising money to free a child from the bondage of her orphanage walls.  This child DESERVES people to fight for her.  She is God`s child every bit as much as I am!  She DESERVES to be loved and cared for and have a mom and dad who are willing to step out in FAITH for her!  She DESERVES a church family to grow up with.  She DESERVES to go to school and have sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins who love her, she deserves to play freely and try different foods and activities!  God made her!  God put her here for a PURPOSE!  SHE HAS A PURPOSE! 

And so, when things don't work in our favour, I get scared.  I freak out.  I get overwhelmed and emotional.  After my epic temper tantrums about how this all sucks,  I realize that I am taking this adoption back into my hands again.  I am not being patient.  I am not trusting in God, that He has a plan and a purpose for all of this.  And so, I pray.

Today, my daughters and I joined hands together and we prayed.  Literally, within minutes, things changed.  The paperwork for the grant wasn't missing anymore.

This evening, I made a comment to a friend about the money involved.  I said something to him along these lines: "I still need close to $30 000... is it just going to rain from the sky?!?!??! (lots of sarcasm in voice)".  I got back home and there was a message on our machine about someone wanting to donate to our adoption.  SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?  Umm...sorry God.  I didn't trust You... I feel like a tool.

Ten minutes after that call, I found out I won an awesome fancy cake that I am able to use as another fundraiser!  How cool is that!?!?!

Prayer...  Powerful.  Useful.  Required.  Needed.

 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

Thank you for those who prayed for us today when we asked. Thank you to those who are praying for us when we don't. 

Grant Application

We just got an email from the folks who are reviewing our application for a grant!!!  Very exciting :)

Would you please pray for this Grant to be Granted (pun intended ha ha).  Seriously though, we could really use the grant money.  Hopefully they will approve us and hopefully for the full amount :)

This was the only grant that we were eligible to apply for (at least we think we're eligible...).  It would be blessing indeed.

Thanks for reading!

Put on every piece of God's armor

I started writing a post a couple of weeks ago that I feel so very strongly about.  I decided to put it on the shelf for a while though because I don't believe that now is the time to publish it.  Let me just say, though, how very grateful we are for all the works of God's hand surrounding this adoption.

I know I get angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, etc with this whole process.  It is long and tedious and invasive.  If we didn't go through this process, we wouldn't be the people we are today, would we? 

This adoption literally saved my life.  Prior to our home study, we read up on adoption requirements for various countries.  One of the things that hit me the hardest was how some countries required a person to be under a certain body mass index.  This got me thinking A LOT.  I didn't want the reason I was rejected from a country to be based on my weight.  I figured that this was something I had control of in this process.  So, before we took the plunge, I dedicated myself to eating right and exercising.  A year ago, we started filling out our application form with the agency.  One year later, I am a different person on the inside as well as the outside!

I have lost over 70 pounds.  I am no longer considered obese or even overweight!  I am actually considered a normal weight!  I still have a bit more work to get myself to where I want to be but for now, I am content.  I can't believe this....today as I type, I feel content about so much that is happening in my life! I feel incredibly blessed and for once, I feel like I am where I need to be! 

I praise God for moving my family here and bringing us to a church that we actually feel like being a part of!  I am meeting incredible people lately everywhere we go.  Yesterday, for example, we took the girls to Tim Horton's as a treat after their kickboxing tournament.  It was so busy so we had to take up two different tables.  Right next to us, a couple began talking to us and connected with our family as they had 4 older daughters.  They were such an encouragement and a testimony to us.  They raised a doctor, two lawyers and an architect!  Wow!  From this town! 

Today I talked with a woman from our church who was told, when she was pregnant, that her unborn baby was going to have Down Syndrome! This boy's life was SAVED because his parents didn't believe in abortion even if they were told this child would have special needs!!!! GUESS WHAT is even sadder???? This boy DOES NOT have Down syndrome! The test was wrong! I have said this before but, did you know that the abortion rate for a PRENATAL diagnosis of Down syndrome is over 90% (this is North America people). Because of this, their family has also had it put on their heart to adopt a child with Down Syndrome! Ummm....AWESOME!!!  They will be in our prayers, please put them in yours. :D

Yesterday, I participated in my first ever kickboxing tournament!  Although I was scared beyond belief, I was also finally in a position of feeling honored that I was privileged enough to be given this opportunity.  I worked and trained and was pushed encouraged to compete.  I actually did it!  I took the plunge, put myself out there, geared up and participated.  I came out of it with more knowledge about myself, more courage and more respect for the sport. 

I feel like this adoption is the same way.  It scares the snot out of me, and yet,  I feel so honoured and humbled that God has put us on this path.  It is hard work and lots of training but we are fighting this fight!!!  We are fighting for a child that we do not know yet; a child that does not know us; a child that God has chosen.  We will come against people that will try to bring us down, people that throw hurtful words at us or wait for us to fail.  We will be kicked by bureaucracies and red tape.  We will have to put ourselves in the ring and humbly accept the help from others.  In the end, with God as our coach and our armour, we shall be blessed with another daughter.

Ephesians 6:13-18 says:

 

"Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. ¹⁴ Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. ¹⁵ For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.¹⁶ In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.¹⁷ Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

¹⁸ Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere."

 

 

So, where are we at in the adoption???

 

Our part of the dossier is finished and has been sent to our agency.  They have had the documents notarized and are sending the papers to Ottawa.  In Ottawa, the papers will be taken to the department of Foreign Affairs for authentication (they basically stamp the documents to confirm they were notarized properly).  Once this is done, they are sent to the consulate in Toronto for legalization (this is where they approve the authentication of the documents).  After, the dossier gets sent back to the agency to be notarized ONE MORE time before they are sent to our BC ministry who THEN finally forwards it on to our designated country.  There, they will be translated and submitted to their Ministry.  WOWZERS!  Those papers are taking a serious road trip! 

 

Please pray for the papers to get to their designated people and places without a hitch.  Please pray for all the people involved in our paperwork.  Please pray for us as we sit and wait for all of this to take place.  It should take a guesstimated time frame of a month...seriously though....I'd like to see this to believe it!!!  Adoption is not quick! 

 

It does, however give us time to fundraise!  Our church has put on a fundraiser for us next month.  PLEASE pray for God's provision and guidance as we still need to come up with half of our designated fees.  Our next big chunk will be at the time of our proposal.  If you have questions about our fees, etc. Click on the big thermometer to the right :)

 

Thank you for praying and supporting our family.  A child's freedom IS worth all of this!

Dossier to be mailed to agency tomorrow (today)

I am getting excited again!  After one month of waiting for hubby's test results, we finally got them today!  Whoot whoot.  He's in the clear (and we knew he would be but having the test done was just another procedure we had to endure).  Unfortunately, however, when I went to pick up both of our forms from the doctor's office, mine was nowhere to be found.  Seriously?!?!? Arg!  Hopefully tomorrow morning (hmm, it looks like it is after midnight now so, more like today) this will be cleared up and I can sing and dance my tushy all the way to the post office with my dossier paperwork.  Oh ya, oh ya!!!  Whoot whoot! 

Also being mailed off tomorrow (or should I say "today" ha ha) is an application for an adoption grant we are applying for.  The maximum they will "grant" is $3500.  I'm hoping that all of our hard work gets us a full grant.  Honestly, I will be happy with anything.  I am not greedy.  The paperwork for this sucker was ridiculous though!  It was worse than the dossier paperwork (actually it was very similar but in a more frustrating/personal way)!  It was 14 pages long, we needed three references (a friend, coworker and our pastor), copies of our licences, home study, income tax return, and pay stub!  Did I mention how insane this was?!?!?  We EACH had to write paragraphs about our church involvement (it is a Christian-based grant), spiritual testimony, why we are adopting, philosophies on education and spirituality training of our kids, our parenting style and skills training we may have received, and our views on certain Bible topics (creation, "the fall", redemption).  We also had to give a very THOROUGH account of all of our assets, liabilities, net worth and cash flow. 

Seriously, the work to create this grant application was excessive and, in all honesty, I just about said screw it!  I had to think of the end result every time I felt this way.  When all is said and done, our daughter will be worth all of this!

I wonder what tomorrow's Canada Post bill will be?  I'm thinking that I will register mail the dossier paperwork for sure as I need to send an original marriage certificate.  I think the other package needs to be registered also since it contains so much personal stuff.  I don't know!!?!?!  I looked into UPS and Purelator and they seem cheaper but more hassle.  Not too sure because I live in the middle of nowhere according to the rest of the province.  I think hubby will have to look into this for us (like he doesn't have anything better to do with his time...)

Thank you to all who have been praying for us. Without a doubt, we are truly grateful for the support we received from so many people.  Truly, truly grateful.

Well, it is off to bed for me.  Tomorrow is going to be a killer to get up for.  Kids included as they were trick-or-treating well past their bedtimes.  Take care!

Prayer

Hi! The weather here is getting cold!  Snow has started to fall onto the mountain tops.  Brr.  It feels like just yesterday the kids were let out for summer break.  I have no idea where that time went.  It was a very busy summer and it just flew by so incredibly fast.  I've never been one for hot summers but this year I quite enjoyed the heat and I am reeeeaaallllly not looking forward to snow. 

Thank you to all who are praying for our family.  It's such an amazing feeling when you can feel the support and love from people who hear of our journey.  I went to a woman's retreat this weekend.  It was the first time I really opened up and talked about our plans for adoption.  Most of the woman I didn't know.  It took a lot of courage for me to talk to the woman.  I am not very extroverted.  I am still trying to come up with a "short and sweet" answer to the most often asked question, "What made you decide to adopt and WHY a child with Down Syndrome????" 

The short and sweet answer is GOD!!!!  I never dreamed about having five kids and the seeking out number six!!!  It was a slow process.  God gave us one kid at a time.  The miscarriages also played an important role in the development of adoption too. 

We are filling out our dossier forms.  The agency is For the Canadians out there adopting, we have to send in our marriage certificate, another security clearance form, two more medical forms from our doctors (hubby and I have different doctors), an adoption questionnaire about the "type and needs" of the child we are willing to accept and an application to adopt.

The application to adopt is an essay summary of our home study questions about our family and how we have come to adopt.   We need to include a brief description of who we are, what we do (employment, religion, others), our family and community, etc, This document is meant to be our chance to tell our story of how we came to adoption and why we want to adopt from our chosen country. No pressure!!! 

Tomorrow we will be getting our security clearances done and hubby has his doctor appointment.  I had just seen the doctor so I think she is just going to leave the form with the secretary.  Hopefully we will both have them signed off for tomorrow and then we can submit our stuff by next week. 

I am such a mess of emotions.  I am driving myself nuts...I can only imagine what my poor husband is thinking of me right now.  We have had so much big stuff break on us this last couple of weeks.  I don't think it is a coincidence that it is happening the same time we wrote a check for $13 000 and are compiling the dossier.  I truly believe that Satan is trying to do whatever it takes for this adoption to fail.  We are being tested and tested some more.  It is frustrating and definitely brings faith to a whole new level!  I admit, I feel completely defeated and scared and overwhelmed.  I know these feelings won't last and I am trying to be faithful. 

Our family needs prayer more than we need anything else.  I am hoping that this post touches you in a certain way.  That you can see where we need prayer.  I am asking for people to be our family's prayer warriors;  to pray for us even when we aren't seeking it publicly. 

If you have some great scripture you feel compelled to share with us, we would love to hear that also.  Thank you and may you all have a very blessed Thanksgiving this weekend (Canadian Thanksgiving is this weekend ;) ).  We have so much to be thankful for.  I pray that our daughter is able to share Thanksgiving with us next year (wishful thinking, I know...maybe in two?!?!?). 

Let's talk about...finances

So, it is official!  We have FINALLY met the educational requirements... we even have a certificate to prove it!  It came in the mail along with a copy of our home study and the first REALLY big bill!  I knew it was coming (the bill) but it still didn't take the shock away at seeing the total. 

Maybe this should be the post on the cost of international adoption from Canada.  This is another time I wish I lived in the States.  Their adoption cost seems to be at least $10000 cheaper.  ***Tears***

Moving past that, international adoption is EXPENSIVE!  It is actually very, very EXPENSIVE!  It is such a turn off to people with a willing heart for adoption but cannot bear the financial burden that is involved.

Before I move on, I will note that domestic adoption through the government/ministry has very minimal fees (especially if you compare it to private and international).  The ministry sets you up for success with many post adoption supports also.  So, if you have a heart for adoption and a calling then domestic may be the route for you!!! 

As most of you know, this wasn't the calling for us.  Don't think we haven't pondered it and researched it.  Heck, we have gone to adoption fairs set up by the ministry.  But, it wasn't where our hearts were led.  We were led to adopt a child with Down Syndrome.  I don't know if I posted how we arrived at Down Syndrome yet...I'll have to flip through the blog and see.  I have a feeling I didn't...I'll have to do a blog on that because we get that question A LOT! 

Anyways, we researched the heck out of Down Syndrome and adoption and adoption of children with Down Syndrome.  We also knew that we wanted a child closest to the age of our youngest (not a baby). We were shocked, to say the least, of our research findings!!  After a prenatal screening is done to determine whether a fetus tests positive with Down syndrome, 90% of those parents choose to kill their child/ abort, terminate their pregnancy! 

In other countries, parents who deliver a newborn with Down Syndrome are encouraged to relinquish their baby to the hospital/ orphanage.  The families have little options in terms of medical and social resources for raising the child. The child is considered a burden.

I'm going all over the place with this blog.  I guess there is so much to talk about and inform people about if you haven't had the opportunity to research adoption of a child with special needs before.  I said I was going to touch the cost factor though. 

We will be expecting to pay over $40 000 towards the adoption of our daughter.  Included (but not limited to) is the fee for our home study, social worker's travel expense to our home, mandatory BC adoption education, agency fees, paperwork, processing, citizenship, TRAVEL, Eastern Europe agency fees, passport and visa for daughter, translator,

Canada has VERY LITTLE in terms of grants.  Just to put this in perspective, there were a whopping total of 4 grant possibilities we could look into.  We may (or may not) qualify for one.  It is a 10 page form, complete with ALL of our personal life from finances to religion (it's a Christian grant).  We need three references and bank statements and employer info.  It is like gathering information for a home study all over again...and honestly it doesn't seem worth the pain for, what may be a MAXIMUM allowed amount, of $3000.  But...EVERY dollar is a blessing and worth the effort to get a little girl out of a cold orphanage into a family that waiting for her!!  It is no wonder that there limited adoptions by willing families!  People with the heart for adoption can not always afford to do so!    The ones who are willing to take the leap of faith either have the funds already lined up, have to take out a loan and or fundraise to offset the cost. 

There is SOOO much controversy over fundraising for adoption.  There are people that believe (very strongly) that if you don't have the means to pay for the adoption, then you shouldn't be adopting.  Plain and simple.  How many people have $40 000 just sitting around!??! 

Others believe that having more than a couple of kids is irresponsible.  They believe that these families are sucking resources from our society...blah blah blah (can you tell my position on this one ha ha). 

We have been back and forth over how we are going to fund our adoption.  We have been fortunate to have the first chunk from selling our home a couple of years ago.  The money was going to go to buying new carpet for this place (oooo, how I HATE the carpet here...it embarrasses me to no end) and a 10 year anniversary cruise for us (we didn't do the extravagant honeymoon because we were poor students back then).  We couldn't justify putting our money towards these expenses after we were called to adopt a child that needs a family.  I would have been on that cruise with a guilty conscience and every time I looked at my amazing new carpet, I would realize that our daughter was STILL in the orphanage not being held, loved, tickled, kissed, accepted.  We couldn't do it.  Adoption is what God wants us to do.  He wants us to step out in faith and BELIEVE and TRUST in Him.  Being a type A personality I am struggling (to be quite frank!). 

MANY MANY MANY MANY (this could keep going) nights I am stressing about the financial aspects of this adoption.  The travelling doesn't scare me too badly (I have never been to a foreign country, nor have I been in a plane).  The Down Syndrome aspect doesn't terrify me.  It is the funds.  I have always been the type that works hard for the money and stays out of debt (I never took out a single student loan while in university).  I keep reading other blogs to see what works for them.  We have had two different bank appointments to see about loans as a backup option.  I HATE this part.  The fees are astronomical in order to SAVE a child and welcome a blessing into a willing family!

So, ya....we are waiting on the Lord to see how this is all going to pan out.  I wholeheartedly believe that God will provide.  No doubt.  He always has.  We have ever been let down even in the midst of some very dark days. 

Please pray for our family.  Please pray for God's Will to be done and for discernment and financial blessings.

I am off to send a very large check this morning.  It was nice seeing it in our account but we are even more excited to see our daughter sooner than later!!!

Thanks for reading!  May God bless you today as well :)

Education Complete

Just a super quick update to say Thank You for the prayers! 

Our education went really well (again ha ha).  Our call was reduced from two hours to just over one hour.  We satisfied, yet another, Social Worker with our understanding of adoption lingo, Down Syndrome, resources and expectations. 

This last lady explained the reasoning for the "test" better than anyone else.  She explained that the in-person class was so many hours long and our was a drastic reduction in physical hours with an instructor.  They wanted to make sure we got all the same information.  They gave us all the same papers and we read them all. The Social Worker also explained that the families that lived in the rural areas had harder times adjusting post-adoption.

I understand WHY the need to be thorough (and I don't expect anything less than through)...I guess I just don't know why it surprised everyone we have talked to with how much research we have done on our own.  I feel like people think we picked Down Syndrome out of a hat.  I mean, really, don't all families research like crazy when preparing for an adoption; let alone a special needs one?!?!   Sheesh, I read MANY books before having my biological children...EVEN number FIVE! (OK, some of the books/articles I just laughed at because they are a bit over the top...but all-in-all most books have SOMETHING that make you go, "Ah ha!").  Why would adoption be any different?

Bah, we are trying to take everything in stride.  Tomorrow I will be getting some pictures notarized.  It took so long for people to call us back to get appointments here.  Not at all what I was expecting!  Hopefully we will be blessed with a wonderful person tomorrow and establish a rapport with him or her so that the next time we need to use them (praying that this phase comes reeeeeaaaalllly soon), we will be able to get in quicker.  Please pray for this meeting tomorrow :)

Again, thank you for the prayers. Only through God, can we walk this journey.  Our pastor said something this last Sunday in regards to how if we, as people, are comfortable in our lives and able to do our life on our own, then chances are we aren't trusting in God to the fullest and living in the Spirit.  This journey to adopt is UNCOMFORTABLE, SCARY, EXPENSIVE, HARD, FRUSTRATING and TESTS us beyond our imagination!  Yet, we are at peace that this is God's Will for us.  He is opening doors and allowing wonderful people to journey with us.  We cannot do this without God. 

With this trust in God, comes Satan and his persistent attacks.  Please continue to pray for our family.  We CANNOT do this without prayer!!!  NOT. AT. ALL.

Now that this phase is complete, we will be telling our story a bit more to other people (such as hubby's boss and coworkers and church families).  We aren't doing this (international adoption) to save anyone or to make a statement.  This is the way we were LED (by God, in case you were wondering ha ha) to grow our family.  Our prayer is that people understand this.  We do, however, feel compelled to educate others about what happens to children in certain countries that are born with special needs and we pray for God's Guidance while we dialogue with others.  We want to give an accurate and honest account of conditions and experiences that these HUMAN BEINGS encounter.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.  For those that have left comments, thank you.  If you don't agree with our adoption, find another blog that interests you.  Keep the nasty comments to yourself.  We won't post them (but you already knew that). 

Welcome to a new School Year

Alrighty, where are we at right now?  Waiting...and more waiting.  Ha ha, this is an adoption trend!  If you ever wanted to work on patience and self reflection, then adopt!  It will test you like none other! 

We missed our scheduled (mandatory by the adoption agency) educational conference call two weeks ago (a certain husband forgot to plug the main phone in when we moved it into the room we were setting up for the call!  Yikes).  So now we have it this week (Wednesday).  Please pray that our call goes well and that we only have to do this one call and then can FINALLY move into the dossier preparation phase!!!!  We want this phase over with already.  At least in the next phase of the adoption we will be preparing and filing our paperwork for the country we are adopting from. 

We have to apply for confirmation of Canadian Citizenship (part 1) very soon too.  I have the paperwork filled out (weeks ago, actually) but need to get some things notarized first.  HOPEFULLY that will be done this Wednesday also! 

It has been a CRAZY busy summer this year.  We have had so many out-of-town visitors staying with us.  It was so much fun and the paperwork just get kept getting pushed to the side.  Now it is time to BUCKLE DOWN and dive right in! I say this as I am looking at school lists and extra-curricular options for the kids that will begin shortly.  The chaos of the school year is so close! 

Believe it or not, we actually made the 9:30 church service this morning (just BARELY).  Again, we are NOT morning people in this house so this was quite the accomplishment for us and a fantastic start to the new school year.  Most of us did end up having quite a long afternoon nap today (shh).  It was rejuvenating to say the least!  The early school mornings are going to be harsh! Poor teachers...at least I get to go home and nap in the afternoon with a couple of the kids! 

Something that bummed us out this week was getting word from the Canadian Director of Reece's Rainbow that our agency does not want to work with them because they (our agency) would like to start up their own special needs program!  We are so angry!  One of the reasons we signed up with this agency was because of their involvement with Reece's Rainbow in the past.  There has been such a turn over in the staff at the agency since we have signed up..  Every director (there has been three since the new year) has different "rules" and such...very frustrating and very confusing as a client! 

The woman whom we have been corresponding with at Reece's Rainbow has been fantastic with dealing with us.  We are going to talk with our agency again because we don't know the exact details why the stop with this ministry.  It was Reece's Rainbow (and prayer, of course!) that brought us to our decision to adopt a child with Down Syndrome.  They have a forum, yahoo group and facebook page.  Here is their website too: http://reecesrainbow.org/  The families are supportive, encouraging and understanding.  Most of the families are from the US.  It would have been wonderful to have more families from Canada involved!

For now, we wait and pray. 

For those of you praying for us (thank you), here is our prayer requests:

-Conference Call goes well on Wednesday and that we are able to move on to the next phase
-Call with a bank specializing in adoption loans (Wednesday) for a possible (last resort) adoption loan to meet our needs
-to find a financial solution to fund the outrageous amount needed for international adoption (We still need to do a post on this)
-find someone reasonably priced to notarize our pictures this week to send off Citizenship forms
-kids start school this week (pray for good friends, great educators, guidance, etc)
-Our Agency's relationship with us, their clients, Reece's Rainbow, the agency in Eastern Europe

Feel free to leave a comment or a question.  If you want it private, we don't have to publish it :)

Home Study is Signed

Oh happy day!!!!  One more (BIG, HUGE, IMPORTANT) thing checked off of our adoption to-do list :D :D :D The home study is DONE.  Yippee!! 

I cleaned like the queen was coming again.  Well, not as good as day one of our home study but still better than an "average" day here.  I was taking no chances of a spur-of-the-moment spot check.  No sirree, I even helped my brother clean his suite downstairs!  Once again, the whole visit was at our kitchen table (well, except for the time that a deer was passing through the neighbours yard and she left the house to take a picture ha ha).

It was a really weird experience to see all the interviews and questionnaires summed up onto 10 sheets of paper.  It was interesting to see things we talked about reworded with the proper adoption lingo and to see how our SW viewed each member of this house.  Very weird.  I'm just glad that it is over with and that someone (that the agency viewed as mature and experienced in our "type of adoption") thinks we are capable parents and have a loving family and that we are able to embrace a daughter with special needs.  Whoo hoo! 

We were blessed to have a fantastic Social Worker.  I couldn't have picked out a better fit for our family.  She was great!  Thank you God!  A really cool turn of events for our SW, during her time with us, was that her daughter decided to relocate to this part of the area.  There are three towns around here that the daughter and her husband could basically choose from (in order for him to be close to his work) and they settled on our town.  While our SW was visiting with us, her daughter was checking out the area and soon after was house shopping.  Last weekend they made the move here and we also found out they are expecting their first baby.  My SW was a VERY proud grandma-to-be this morning!  Because of her visits with us and her daughter's move, our SW is even considering relocating here too!  Wow!  It just goes to show what a wonderful community we live in.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us and encouraging us.  We are so grateful. 

I am really tired this afternoon so please excuse any grammatical errors.  I get very anxious before these meetings and, in turn, I have a really hard time falling asleep and also become the first one up in the morning.  If you know me personally, you know that I am NOT a morning person and I am definitely not the first one up! I was scared and very excited to see what our SW wrote and what her opinion of us was.  I figured it wasn't going to be horrible but the anticipation of having a professional analyze your life is pretty nerve-racking!

I am also nervous about our phone call on Tuesday with, yet another Social Worker (also set up through the agency to see if we are competent in what we have learned).  I'm just really tired of all these "tests" to see if we are competent.  Don't get me wrong, I fully understand the logic behind it and I am supportive of being well educated in adoption and in Down Syndrome.  I am just frustrated with the execution of it all and the different rules/expectations that we have been given with each new person that has joined the agency.  I am anxiously awaiting the next phase in this process and that is to complete our dossier!!!  But...in order for us to begin that step we have to finish the education (again...grr) and then pay another boatload of moola. 

Boatload of moola....that is going to be another post.  For now, I am asking for this to be a prayer request at this time.  We fully believe that God is in control of this adoption...not us!  It doesn't matter how hard we try, we cannot possibly control/direct this adoption to our favour.  Only God is possible of this.  Only God knows who this little girl is and how old she is and how she will come into our family.  Only God knows how to prepare our hearts and our minds.  We are watching Him work in the lives of some people in our lives that were nay-sayers at the beginning (just like our SW).  Showing them what they need to see/hear in order for them to understand our journey and why this is the path we are choosing. 

International adoptions, unfortunately, have a very heavy price tag.  We try very hard not to let the financial burden consume us because we wholeheartedly believe that this is God's Will and that He will provide as always.  We have faith that God will show us how and where to fund this adoption.  We have options (we do not qualify for the whole two Canadian adoption grants that are out there: http://www.orphanshope.ca/ http://davethomasfoundation.ca/what-we-do/our-grants/request-funding/) but none that are really screaming out at us right now.  Again, I'll discuss the financial crap obligations of international versus domestic adoption another day. 

Thank you for walking with us! 

Second Course and a whole lotta prayer

Just when I thought we were close to the next phase of this process, our agency throws us, yet ANOTHER, curve ball.  Tomorrow we have to have a conference all with a different social worker from the agency to discuss what we did (and did not) learn from our educational component to see if she needs to supplement us with more information.  It was news to us.  We were not told this would happen.  I asked if this was a test and the agency said it wasn't....ummm....how is this NOT a test!?!?!  If we don't know enough, we get more calls!  I can see us having at least one more call after this because the info that they sent us to be discussed tomorrow was not the same as the stuff we covered in the class.  Seriously frustrating!

I have been so angry and frustrated with our agency that I have actually contemplated throwing in the towel.  It's times like this that I am so grateful for certain people in my life that encourage us and remind us about the precious daughter that we are waiting on.

I have taken for granted how easy it was for us to get pregnant.  This adoption process is far more demanding than the nine months of hell my body went through during my pregnancies (I did not have easy and wonderful pregnancies...in fact, I disliked being pregnant for the most part!).  Now, as people around me are having babies and getting pregnant, I am getting more and more mad at this intrusive and demanding process.  I want to scream and shout and have major toddler-like temper tantrums!  I would rather go through labour & delivery without and epidural than go through this journey right now! 

I have been hiding my feelings for a while.  When people ask, I usually say the process is slow and we are just trucking along.  What I really feel is that this process is making me a crazy woman, who is almost always thinking about adoption, is jealous of all the happy/easy and FAST stories about other people's adoption, is questioning myself and all aspects of my life.  I am doubting myself and stressing and worrying. 

Being summer holidays, I have been busy with the kids and holidays.  We haven't been to church in...let's just say...a while.  We are not morning people in this house and our church changed their hours to start an hour earlier for the summer time.  Seriously, whoever thought that was a good idea should be given a shake!  I understand their logistics...early church equals more hours to play in the afternoon (this is a VERY outdoorsy community).  However, I think more adults "play" later in the evenings (and maybe even the wee hours of the morning) and kids go to bed later and summertime should not be the time to make people get up earlier than the regular calender year.  Just sayin'....

I haven't been to kickboxing in WEEKS!  It doesn't help that, they too, moved their hours down to accommodate themselves and shortened their classes from four classes to a mere two.  I guess, having a newborn baby to snuggle with and cuddle and coo over is a good enough reason...but, darn it...what about me!?!?!  Ha ha!  I'm not really this selfish...hmm, or am I!??! 

Unfortunately, this reduction in punching and kicking people exercise has had a real negative impact on my body, mind and spirit (arg, I sound like a hippie here).  I went back for the first time this evening and, let me say, it was so hard to get out the door.  I could feel myself slipping into some sort major funk these past couple of weeks.  MAJOR FUNK!  I have been so grumpy and moody and sad lately, the scale has not budged (the way I want) in a very long time.  I wanted to shut the door to my bedroom, lock myself in and devour a whole black forest cake with my bare hands followed by a face stuffing of double-stuffed oreos!  Ha ha, don't worry...I still had (some) self control and will-power!  I could feel that slipping soon too.  I really need to have my outlet....hmm...or a counsellor ha ha!

So, ya...back to this adoption mountain climb (because I am not in the mood to call it a mere journey right now!!!).  I need prayer.  Our family needs prayer.  Prayer for what??? you might ask (in case you haven't already thought of a few on your own after reading this disturbing tale of cake and anger management issues ha ha).?  Well, here is a good starter list and please, feel free to add on to it ha ha:

1. Our conference call tomorrow with social worker #2
2. Our home study to be completed/signed off this weekend (this is another sore spot right now...bad communication with SW and agency...grr)
3. Finances to be sorted for next portion of our fees (this is where the chocolate cake issues manifest)
4. Strong relationships in our lives.  We are having a tough time connecting with anyone here (including/especially with the people from our church...I think I scare people...no, seriously...I don't get it...).  I really am longing for some REAL woman in my life that want to be with me and can encourage and  pray with me.  There's got to be some people out there that we click with?  Ha ha, maybe I am going to regret laying this one out there but it is a real and honest prayer request
5. Peace!!!  I don't want to be in this stupid funk anymore!!!  I want to embrace God's peace over this adoption again and all we come into contact with. 
6. The little girl that we are adopting.  At the rate we are going she may not even be born yet.  But, God has a plan and knows who she is!
7. Knowledge and resources to prepare us for the adoption of a child with Down Syndrome. 
8. Our family, the kids, our marriage, etc.

I think that is a huge list of requests.  THANK YOU to all those who have been praying for us.  I can see that our numbers are down a lot for our readers/followers but if more than a couple of people pray, God can work many miracles beyond my widest imagination!  I'm excited.  Bring it on!!!!

Education Complete

I am the WORST blogger ever.  With school ending for the summer and then having the kids home ALL DAY long, I cannot seem to find the time to sit down and get my thoughts in order. 

I am very happy to report that our AEP (Adoption Education Program) is done!!!  Yay!  I am soooo ecstatic.  It was such a hassle to have the agency set up a course from home but in the end, our agency came through for us!  We had a total of four conference calls to participate in.  We were given videos to watch and reading material to peruse.  During each call, we discussed various topics given by the facilitator.  The hard part of taking a conference call course was that I could not hide in the background in order to avoid questions!  The facilitator did a fabulous job of including each and every one of us into the discussion (whether we liked it or not!).

The second very exciting news is that we have completed our homestudy!  We are just waiting on our agency to read through the report before our Social Worker is able to have us sign off on it!  I am very curious as to what the report will say about us!  Our life is in that report!  Yikes! 

After the homestudy is signed off, we should be finally able to move on to the next phase (preparing our dossier)!  Whoo hoo!  Very exciting!  I wonder how long "soon" will be though???  The adoption process seems to go at a snails pace for us!  I have accepted it as such too.  I don't want to be disappointed and so I am trying to prepare for slow transition times, and tons of bumps in the road.  I do think that the slow transition time has given a few people the needed time to digest the fact that we are adopting.  Or maybe they are still waiting to see if it will, indeed, happen?  Heck, even I have to see it to believe it!  I get nervous just thinking about the trip to another country!  I am trying very hard not to jump steps.  I want to take things as they come or else I will be a wreck!

As much as I am trying to convince myself to accept the slow process, I reeeeaaaaalllllly want to have our last child here to complete our family!  I want to move on as a family.  I want to meet the newest addition and set up our lives with her.  I want to stop the anticipation of wondering who this child is and when she will join us.  I'd like my family to meet her and to welcome her and spoil her just like they do her sisters.  I want to witness all the firsts and milestones that she will reach.  I just want to love on her like I do our other children.

Soon...very soon...well, maybe one day....

Thanks for stopping in!  I love the comments of encouragement and am open to the questions that may be stirring! 

Please continue to pray for our family!  There is no way we would be doing this without God in the driver's seat!  The next phase requires more moola.  Please pray that we will be able to trust God's provision in the adoption!  Please pray for the little girl that is waiting for us.  Please pray for her safety and that she is well taken care of.

We pray that all people touched by this adoption ether directly or indirectly are blessed.  Take care!

Homestudy 2 completed

It is a very busy time in our house right now.  So busy that I don't know how long this post is going to be!  We have two daughters with birthdays 2 days apart and we had the home study visit thrown right into that!  Throw into the mix all the extracurricular activities that are winding down for the year..fun, fun, fun! 

This home study was basically the hubby's interview.  I had a bit of questioning at the end but mostly it was all about him.  I got to watch a full movie with the kids and then I even had time to put two of them down for a nap.  Pretty mellow on my part of the home study (thank goodness!!).

It was weird to hear that our questions were a bit different.  The context was the same, however, the Social Worker went into more depth about some things more with him than I.  I am glad that he was the one drilled more on our intimate life that I was...phew!!!  Even when he was telling me the questions she asked him, I was all red and embarrassed!  Ha ha!!!! 

Our next home study is sitting next to me, waiting for us to fill out and email back to our Social Worker.  There are a lot of questions to answer (at least 70 that I counted!!).  We need to answer questions on our childhood and upbringing, our relationships with various family members, our parents values and how we were disciplined.  Then we switch gears and answered questions about the age that we started dating, how the two of us met, our relationship, what we like and find challenging about one another, how adoption will affect our marriage, our "roles" in the family, how we deal with conflict in our marriage and whether we feel our marriage is secure.

We are waiting to hear about the mandatory educational component that we still need to complete before our home study is done!  Please pray that this part of the adoptive journey gets completed in a timely manner.  I would like to have this all signed off by the end of the summer at the very very latest.  Wishful thinking, wishful thinking...

I just want to thank all the wonderful people that have been so encouraging to us.   We appreciate all the questions and kind words.  This is truly an adventure for us and we will follow wherever God leads us!

Preparing for Home Study #2

Two of the blogs that I am following are travelling or just about to travel.  Very exciting and scary!   I can't even imagine that step into the adoption process.  The country that we are looking at adopting from wants us to do two one-week trips (three months apart).  One of the reasons we chose this country was because their travel requirements weren't as long as other countries.  Some countries require a one month stay!  Yikes!  With five young kids at home, I don't know how we could have pulled it off.  I still don't know how the whole travel process is going to work.  I try to put it on the back burner so that I don't stress about it.  I try very hard not to think about the fact that my first airplane trip may be a super long international trip! Ok...I am now putting all those thoughts and fears of travel BACK into the vault... right now I have to worry  prepare for our next home study on Saturday!  Eek!!!

This upcoming home study should be a bit easier to prepare for.  I'm not going to clean like a manic this time but I am going to make sure every room is tidy just in case she ends up somewhere in the house besides the dinning room.  Unfortunately my brother won't be here to take the kids during our visit.  Hubby has his one-on-one this time so I will be able to distract the girls for an hour while that takes place.  My sister also mailed some new movies for the girls to watch during the visits.  I am so grateful for that!  Yep, I am not ashamed to say that I will be using the TV as a babysitter ha ha! 

Prayer requests: Hubby's one-on-one interview, the home study in general, the social worker in charge of our case (safe travel for her, knowledge and understanding, etc), please continue to pray for the orphans throughout the world, please pray for our family as we prepare to add another daughter, please continue to pray for our agency (we still need to get the educational component done as part of our home study)

First Homestudy Visit

We spent the week cleaning and organizing.  Our house was clean but still looked like five young kids live here (and three 4-week old kittens). Our Social Worker arrived "late".  It wasn't until a half an hour went by that we realized that there is a time zone difference between where she lives and where we are.  Now we know that for next time ha ha!

The girls all went to bed late last night.  Dumb planning on my part.  I thought they would sleep in this morning and we'd have a calm start.  Well...that backfired!  They woke up grumpy and "pestery".  I was so scared that world war three was about to erupt while the SW was here.  Thankfully, some Lego with mom calmed them down.  They were all very excited to meet the lady and to have a movie and popcorn with their uncle.  I am so very thankful that my brother is staying with us for three months (for work) while we are having our visits.  God has fantastic timing!!!

Did I mention our SW is AWESOME!?!?!  She has to drive 5 hours to get here.  Yuck!! It is "cheaper" for us to pay for her travel allowance than it is for us to make arrangements for a sitter plus have both of us travelling 10 hours.  Our SW has family very close by and so she and her daughter have made today's visit into a social opportunity for themselves.  She will be reducing our visits from the proposed 6-7 (1-2 hours long) to 4 (3 hour) long visits.  Of those four, she is going to do one via e-mail to save on costs!!!  AWESOME!  The final one, the one where she shows us the home study report and has us sign it, she is going to swing by here while going to visit her family to alleviate even more of the costs!!!  Praise God!!!!  We are so very, very grateful!! 

So what did we do today?  We went over why we wanted to adopt, what our families felt about it, what kind of resources we have, experiences with special needs children, how we spend our time and how the inclusion of another child will fit in.  I also had my one-on-one interview today and Corey will have his the next visit. 

The one-on-one is a challenge because you have to talk about yourself.  What are your strengths, weaknesses, hobbies, what do you fight with your spouse about, how do you handle conflict, what does a good and bad day look like to you.  I wish I could remember the questions but the whole afternoon was such a blur.

When we were finished for the day, I asked her if she would be doing a walk through of the house.  She told me that she was basically looking to see that we have adequate room for another child and a play area for the children.  She said she had no concerns.  As she peeked in our family room, I asked her if she would like a tour anyways.  By golly, I cleaned the house up from top to bottom just for her I sure wanted her to see it at its best ha ha!!!  She seemed to love our house, yard and view as much as we did when we moved in.  Very good meeting today.

When she was packing up, my husband mentioned how we are thinking of staying in Paris for a couple of nights during one of the stop overs to our chosen country (to combine our 10 year wedding anniversary).  The SW indirectly told us to plan for our trip to Paris as she was leaving.  Ummm...I think she liked us!!!  Yay!!!  That 100% made me relax.  She was a great lady.  There is no denying that God's hands are in this adoption.

Friday night I also got a FANTASTIC email from our agency.  It seems they finally got their act together and partnered up with the association that provides the mandatory educational component to our home study.  The association is going to create an online version for our agency geared at international adoption.  I was soooo happy to get that email.  Now, let's see if they follow through and get it done in a timely manner.  Keep praying.  It seems minor, but to our family and other's in similar situations, this will not only be more convenient but also way more economical.

I am exhausted now.  The kids are all in bed and I am going to do anything but clean today!  I'm thinking a sappy movie may be in order!  Tomorrow is Mother's Day here so a very happy day to all the moms out there! 

Thank you for your prayers and support.  Some of you have been such rocks to us and we appreciate your love.  Please pray for us and this adoption journey.  Please continue to pray for the home study process and the agency that we are working with.  Please lift our family up in prayer.  We absolutely cannot do this without God.  Financially, we are not there yet either and we prayerfully seek God's wisdom and blessings for the funds to be in place for the adoption.  To God be the Glory!

Kickboxing and Adoption

I was pretty calm about this Saturday's appointment with our Social Worker until last night.  I don't know what happened to me but I can't seem to shake off this feeling of helplessness and lack of control.  I feel unsettled and unprepared...I feel frozen.  I should be doing housework and research and yet all I do is surf the Internet and do minimal cleaning.  I don't want to panic.  I don't want to yell at the kids.   I want this week to be relaxing and happy and calm.

Before last night, I had an inner sense of peace about our first home study.  I could sense God's calmness and could sense that we were being prayed over.  I don't know how else to describe it...

Even as I try to explain last night's breakdown, I know that I am still being held through this.  I am not reacting the way I have normally reacted to stress.  This is a good thing. 

So what happened last night?  Kickboxing happened.  Usually I feel some kind of success or accomplishment from my class.  Last night, was completely opposite.  I froze, panicked, blanked out, gave up, was pushed too far, and essentially, got a fantastic punch to the face. 

I got home feeling completely devastated, embarrassed, discouraged, hopeless, unsuccessful, out of control and incompetent.  I couldn't get my head wrapped around all this frustration.  Thankfully, my husband has a great listening ear and let me vent and sort through these feelings out loud.

You know when you were in school and your English teacher made you compare and contrast two stories?  I always hated doing those assignments.  But here I am , doing the same thing...comparing and contrasting my adoption process with my kickboxing process.

Last night, my instructor was teaching us offensive tactical moves.  We were asked to pair up and manipulate our opponent. I seriously do not know what happened to me.  Everything I had learned and practiced was erased.  I was completely out of my comfort zone (just like adoption).  The others in my class were observing this train wreck that I could not control.  I wanted to get off the mat and just observe, not to be the one on display.  I was pushed encouraged to keep going; to stay in the game.  Mentally, I couldn't do it; I shut down.  I felt hopeless.  I tried so hard to fight back tears of embarrassment and frustration.  And then in that moment, it was as if everything I was holding in about my fears for Saturday came flooding to my head!  Arg, not a good time or place to become "a girl".  Very soon after, I was paired up again.  I have never gone into a match hoping to get scored on so that I could leave the game.  But, that is what I did and I payed the price for it... thank God, I do not have a black eye today. 

In my adoption journey, God has made it clear to us that this is the journey we are to embark upon.  We felt a calling to pursue a special needs adoption.  This path is already punching us in the face, playing mental games on us and knocking us on our butts.  I am out of my comfort zone.  People are aware of our journey; we are being scrutinized for our decisions.  We are on the offence and the defence.  Every time we get a bump, God encourages to keep going; to stay in the game.  I have gone into this journey researching adoption, researching what needs we are comfortable pursuing and how it will affect everyone in my life.  With the homestudy approaching, I feel like I am getting into the "ring" only to freeze up; to forget what I know and practice.  I don't want to shut down or feel embarrassed or humiliated again for making the wrong moves; or worse, for not making any moves.

I heard the song 10 000 Reasons (Bless the Lord) by Matt Redman three times in the last 24 hours.  Powerful.  Beautiful.  I dont' know if this link will work (probably not) but you can Google it if you don't know it.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jYLTn4fKYQ

"The sun comes up
Its a new day dawning
Its time to sing your song again
What ever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes"

Thank you for praying for us.  We are blessed to have many people encouraging us and praying for us.

Social Worker Assigned

FINALLY, we have a social worker (SW) assigned to our family!  She is 4.5 hours away from us.  Silliness, if you ask me!  The agency wanted to have someone "experienced" because we are SEEKING OUT a special needs adoption (the SW told me on the phone that this was a new one for her too...someone choosing special needs -this is going to be a whole other blog topic!!!) .  This really bites because we have to pay her gas mileage to have her come out here. I, personally, think that there is just as qualified people closer by. The plus side is that she is going to keep our visits to four 3-hour long sessions. That seems do-able. Our first session is next Saturday!

It is frustrating because the director from the agency that we have been bunting heads with has now just left on an educational leave.  This leaves us with yet another director that we have to get a "feel" for. Grr.  All we can do is pray.  Nothing is in our hands.  I can't control any of this.  I hate the feeling of being out of control.  I am learning though.  Learning to just let things happen as they do. 

This week we will be moving in my "baby" brother to the basement.  He got a three month position here.  It is a good trial run for him as he has never been out on his own and I think it will help us out too while we have our appointments.  Hee hee hee, he doesn't know what he is getting into yet ;) .  Nah, in all honesty, I think he is FANTASTIC with the kids.  He will be a great dad whenever that day comes.  I'm thinking that I will pull out some crafty things that the kids can do while our SW is here and pop in a movie that they haven't seen yet.  For the most part, they are good through the whole movie and that will kill 1.5 hours of our first visit.  Crafty thing...beads maybe...something easy...playdough???  I don't know yet...something easy, yet something they won't fight about :)

I have a lot of cleaning to do to get ready for our homestudy visit.  I am TERRIFIED about this visit.  I am already dreaming about it and not sleeping well.  The fate of this adoption rests in her hands.  She is the say-all of whether we are a stable family, whether we have a stable marriage, whether we are able to take in a child with special needs!  I have to brush up on the special needs and how this will impact our family.   She wants to know about our support systems, resources available, our expectations, her expectations, whether we researched the special needs of choice -what is the meaning of it and how that will impact our marriage, kids, family. 

Did I mention I am PETRIFIED!?!?!?!  Please keep me in your prayers.  Please keep our family in your prayers and please pray for our SW. 

Thanks for visiting.  Hopefully I will be on top of my writing more :).  Then again, with five kids, a spring tea to bake for, a kickboxing test, my brother moving in, researching, driving the kids to their activities and frantic cleaning...it may be a while before I post again :)

Keeping it real

I'm keeping it real today.  No sugar coating.  Just raw emotions.

I started this blog to keep family and friends updated on our process.  The papers are all in the hands of the agency.  FYI the process is SLOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!  Very, mind-numbingly slow.  It is so slow that it allows too much time for my mind to start contradicting my heart.  Can I really wait this long?  In our case, it was so much quicker to get pregnant and raise our children.  I know this is Satan feeding us this garbage but there are times where I begin to doubt EVERYTHING!  The reality though is that it just makes us pray harder.  In God's time, right!? 

Right now, we are waiting for our Social Worker to contact us.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.  Do I sound impatient today?  Do I sound frustrated?  I am trying hard to live my life and "go with the flow".  I do not "go with the flow" very well but I am TRYING.  You would think that my five kids would distract me a bit more.  Nope...they are just a reminder that I am missing one!  I keep envisioning our life with our new daughter.  Where would she sleep?  Who is going to share bedrooms with who?  What kinds of needs will she have?  Will I need to buy another van?  Where, oh where, are the rest of the funds going to come from???  Arg! 

Then there is the AEP that we have to take.  Boy, oh boy, is this testing my every nerve right now.  I can't even think about it without my face burning red with frustration.  We have to take this course sooner than later.  All the courses are FAR away from where we live.  I'm talking 11-12 hour drive!  If we take a plane that is extra funds benign taken from our adoption account.  Not to mention food, hotel, gas.  We need a sitter for the kids.  I was under the impression that it was a weekend course...nope!  It is over TWO weekends.  Ummm....how the heck are we supposed to swing this one!?!?  We were told that a on-line version would possibly start up in April.  That would have been wonderful if it did!  Now they are talking the summer time...arg!  We are supposed to have this done by then.  There isn't a guarantee that it will even start up in the summer either.  Arg!  So...now we wait...pray...hope...that we can be an exception to the rules and do this class with our Social Worker here! 

Please pray for this AEP course to be sorted out.  We cannot adopt unless we take it.  Ideally, we would like to refrain from travelling to take this course.  Please pray for this to work for us.  Please pray for an amazing Social Worker to be assigned to us.  Please, pray for our little one that may or may not be born.  Please pray for the nay-sayers that are against us (yes, you know who you are and we are praying for you!!!).  Please pray for me and all this doubt and fear and frustration...I know it isn't from God...I need it gone!  Gone, gone,gone!

Thank you for taking the time to read our (non)update.  I hope to have something to share soon. 

Paperwork Round Two

...is FINISHED!  Whoot Whoot!  I am ecstatic!

As mentioned previously, our agency gave us A LOT of forms to fill out and people to visit before they will send over the social worker to do our home study. Our lovely references were given quite the task of saying nice things about us as well! 

I was shown the forms they had to fill out.  Oh my stars, I had a hard time doing it on myself...those poor, poor ladies!  I am so very grateful that they did this for us!  They were asked the obvious questions like how they know us, our characteristics (check list), whether we have a stable marriage, our experience with kids, how we relate to other adults, and so forth. 

The harder questions asked how many friends we have, how active we are in the community and church, how many family contacts we have. They asked how our kids would respond to another child entering our family.  How we would preserve the child's cultural heritage.  How we handle stress.  They were given another checklist of poor behaviours we may have: whether we abuse drugs or alcohol, have a poor work history, are violent, manage money poorly, have a mental illness/depression/suicidal tenancies, etc.  It sounds easy enough until your brain realizes the importance of how you word your answers.  Like my sister said, I couldn't imagine reading all the cheesy answers day in and day out!


So..what did we do for this package?

• Medical Checks - Corey, myselfI and the kids - All clear!!  We have been working VERY hard to lose weight, exercise and work on ourselves.  I was the most scared about this part of the process because we have new doctors and they barely met us.  It turned out way easier than anticipated!  And best of all...it cost us NOTHING!  Phew!
• Criminal Record Checks -Easy Peasy and also cost us NOTHING!  Seriously awesome!
• Prior Contact Check -We thought we were going to have to drive an hour for this one but were really happy to hear that the office does it here!  And it cost NOTHING as well!
• Complete an Autobiography -This SUCKED!!!  It was the worst part of this paperwork round!  Corey wrote a HUGE essay and mine was to the point.  I'm a need to know kind of person (well, except on this blog ha ha).
• 11 page questionnaire about our upbringing, discipline and parenting styles- This was also one of the most difficult surveys.  And very, very personal (like how sexually compatible are you and your partner...ummm!!?!?!  really!?!?!?!)
• Create an Eco Map -This seems rather tedious and useless if you ask me.  Google Eco Map and you'll get an idea of what it is.
• Create a Genogram/ Family Map -Basically a very extensive version of a family tree starting from our parents down to our children.
• Photocopy Marriage Certificate
• Photocopy Pay stub
• Photocopy Property Assessment/ Rental Agreement
• Get passport -This was the most expensive part of this round!  I am now waiting for it in the mail...yay (maybe I can use it for our 10 year wedding anniversary coming up -hint, hint Corey)

So, tomorrow, I will head to the post office and come back a very excited woman!  Whoot whoot!

Please continue to pray for us.  Please pray for the little girl that will (God willing) be placed in our family. Please pray for the Social Worker that will be in charge of our file (that s/he will fit our family). Please pray for our agency that we are dealing with and the people in charge of our file. Please pray for the financial support for this adoption.

Thank you for stopping by!

Update

Oh my, it has been a really long time since I posted and I am really sorry for not keeping you in the loop!  You know how it goes... a day turns into two, and then a week, and before you know it weeks go by!  I actually had two posts waiting to be published/ finished!  Regrettably, now those events and prayer requests just seem like the distant past and so I deleted them.  I will incorporate them into this update instead!  And I WILL publish this one!

Our agency gave us a lot of forms to fill out and people to visit before they will send over the Social Worker to do our Home Study.  I couldn't get into the doctor until the end of March so we have been slowly chipping away at our list.  I have received word that our lovely references have also been given quite the assignment to fill out on our behalf!  I feel really bad for them as there are some really crazy and personal questions on their forms!!!  I sure hope I didn't do anything to tick them off as they do their write ups!

So..what do we need to do?

• Medical Checks - Corey and I
• Medical Clearance -Kids
• Criminal Record Checks
• Prior Contact Check
• Complete an Autobiography
• Fill out a 11 page questionnaire about our upbringing, discipline and parenting styles
• Create an Eco Map
• Create a Genogram
• Photocopy Marriage Certificate
• Photocopy Pay stub
• Photocopy Property Assessment/ Rental Agreement

In addition to this, I need to get a passport.  I have never been on an airplane...let alone going on an international flight!  Yikes!

This all seems surreal and very, VERY daunting.  I am really nervous about my medical even though Corey has already finished his and "passed". The autobiography SUCKS to write!  They gave us a general guideline/ questions to answer but it is still really difficult to talk about myself.  I want to "get the questions right" and not answer in a way that will open me up for any major discussions with the Social Worker.  I am almost finished my very rough draft and Corey hasn't begun his yet (typical male...grr!).  He is, however, taking on the Eco Map and Genogram because he will get to do fancy things on the computer ha ha!  Two less things I have to worry about (well, sort of)!

So my dear friends and family, please continue to pray for us.  We have had our emotional ups and downs this month.  Please pray that the paperwork gets settled, for the medical exam to go smoothly, for guidance and wisdom and support and strength.  Please pray for the little girl that will (hopefully) be placed in our family.  Please pray for the Social Worker that will be in charge of our file (that s/he will fit our family).  Please pray for our agency that we are dealing with and the the new people in charge of our file. 

We are truely grateful that God is financially blessing us.  We are a long ways away from where we need to be but we have faith that God will surely provide.  Until we have the finances available, this will definitely be a fear/ concern/ prayer request for us.  I can't help but feel overwhelmed by the cost.  This is an area that I need people to pray for me about. 

Police Check

We have had a very busy week.   It is scary how fast time can zoom past you! 

We got our police checks done.  Thankfully, it didn't cost us any money and it was completed while we were at the station.  All clear :)  Phew, with the luck we have been having I was sure something was going to go wrong there too.

We have not had a smooth ride on this journey.  Every time we go to do something, we are faced with an obstacle or challenge.  It is very frustrating.  It starts to work havoc on our mental and emotional responses.  On one hand, we start questioning whether this is God's Will and then on the other hand we see this as Satan testing our faith.  Both are not good positions to be in.

All the challenges and roadblocks just keep bringing us to our knees.  So, if it is Satan...then he is getting the complete opposite reaction than he is looking to get.  We are following God.  Whether we understand what is going on or not, whether we are given challenges or open doors, whether we are going to end up with another daughter or not.  For some reason or another, we are meant to be on this journey, we are meant to reach out to others and we are meant to take this leap of faith. 

I wasn't prepared to answer personal questions with the lady at the police station.  As she was entering our information into the computer, out of the blue she says, "you must go to church".  When I validated her, she told me that what we are doing seemed like a Christian thing.  Umm... honestly, I don't know a lot of families down this road Christian or not.  Sure the majority of blogs that I read are Christian families.  Maybe there is truth to her statement, maybe not.  I am just happy she didn't categorize me in a negative way.  I am humbled that I am able to show God's hand in this adoption...very, very humbled. 

This same lady threw a couple more politically incorrect terms at me this morning as well.  It was a definite wake up call at how some members of society view international adoption,  minorities and individuals with disabilities.  Oh boy, I need to do some more reading to better equip myself for these statements. 

Drowning in Paper

Yay, I finally got the registration package today! It was an email with 25 attatchments!  Ya...that is A LOT of paperwork to read and sort through and work on.  I knew it was coming, however, I don't think I anticipated the depth of it. 

We have family staying this weekend.  Between cleaning for their arrival, skiing and a birthday party, I don't think that I will be tackling these forms until Monday.  I think this adoption is going to take YEARS at the rate we are going. 

One of the things we have to do is get a medical check signed by a doctor for all of us.  I haven't seen a doctor since moving here and I don't know what to do with this form.  I have an appointment with the new doctor in a month from now for something unrelated but that seems too far away!  I guess I will have to make some phone calls.  See, how this adoption is going to take a long time?!?

We have to get a police check done too.  This doesn't seem too bad.  I just have to figure out where to take the form :).

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork!

Prayer request:  Doctor appointments go smoothly, forms get filled out in a timely manner, finances come together, continue doing God's Will.

Patient Endurance

"Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you!  Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised." Hebrews 10: 35-36

So, I KNOW that adoption is a slow process, especially international adoption.  I don't know how I am going to do with this whole "being patient" part of the deal though.  I'm not the most patient person on any given day. 

Right now, we are waiting for the agency to say, "we got the application form, let's move on"!  But...no call yet; not a single email either.  I guess it doesn't help that the woman, whom I was corresponding with, had just told me she just went on an unexpected parental leave and abruptly handed me off to someone else.  Seriously, since we started talking with the two prospective agencies, three woman went on maternity leave!  These are not huge agencies either.  These people are one of the keys for us to bring home another daughter!  I just love having to break in new people, especially when I do not have a clue about what I am doing...fun, fun, fun!

This is just the very beginning and I am already checking my email daily in anticipation of a response. What am I going to be like in a year or so when I am waiting for the child proposal or waiting for the travel dates? I am going to be a mess! 

Please continue pray for our family.  We appreciate all the love and support. Patient endurance to do the WILL OF GOD sounds pretty great to me right now!

Girl Power

Number 6 is going to be another princess and this time the gender is by choice!  Now do you understand why the name and format of our blog is so girly? 

Why another girl you might wonder?  Especially by choice?  Doesn't Corey have a say?  Doesn't he want a boy to carry on his name and have someone to do manly things with?

Let me start off by saying, yes, of course Corey wants a boy. Heck, I'd like to shop in the boy section too!  But, it is what it is and we are blessed with girls.  By the way, I did not force him to choose girl over boy, nor did I have to persuade him in any way, shape or form.  In fact, it was him who convinced me that a female was the more fitting choice for our family situation.  The main reason for us pursuing a girl, however, is that we are pursuing a special needs adoption.  

Because of the type of adoption we are seeking, a daughter with (____blank_____), we believe that it will be much easier for the older girls to relate to, and help out with, any "girly" issues of the youngest daughter.  (The "__blank___" is for another post!!!).  As the girls all grow into adolescents and adults, they will be able to assist (if need be) in change rooms, hotels, and basically anywhere else where privacy is needed.  Does this make sense? I hope so. 

Besides, we are already set up for girls! 

Don't you have enough kids already?

Well....short answer...nope!  Longer answer....we truly believe that God has put this on our heart! We can not deny it.  Both Corey and I often get this feeling that we are one kid short.  We have to double count sometimes because we feel like we are missing someone. 

After our third child was born, Corey and I, along with the three girls, went to an adoption fair.  We took home all the brochures we could grab.  We looked at the waiting children profiles and they tugged at our heartstrings.  After research and discussions, we decided that adoption was not for us at the time.  In fact, we were certain we were done having any more kids.  I really wanted to get a career and move our life in a different direction. 

We ended up getting pregnant months after the fair and, to be quite frank, I was mad!  I did not want to be pregnant again!  I cried, I cursed.  I kissed my chance at my goal for the type of career I wanted good-bye.  Two to Three months into that pregnancy, I started accepting my new future and after we hit the three month mark, I was OK with having another baby. 

At the 15 week appointment, we discovered the baby died.  I cannot describe the guilt I felt about not wanting that pregnancy at the very beginning.  In fact, I will go to my grave with that pain.  Everything was so rushed and there wasn't any options to allow us to grieve and accept the loss. 

From that pregnancy, I vowed to accept any and all blessings that God gives us.  Two more princesses blessed our lives after that!  After number five, we said we wanted to round things out with another one. Number six decided to attach itself to the back of my uterine artery causing a complicated and very life-threatening ectopic pregnancy.  I spent almost a week in the hospital and had to have a couple of blood transfusions.  At one point, prior to surgery, I told my husband that I may be seeing my dad right away (he had died a few months prior to this).  To this day, I feel so bad about leaving Corey to wait for me with that thought lingering over his head!

After the very, very long recovery from that ordeal, we made the decision to forgo anymore natural births.  Adoption is the very right decision for us and we are very excited to see what little girl God has waiting for us.