Kickboxing and Adoption

I was pretty calm about this Saturday's appointment with our Social Worker until last night.  I don't know what happened to me but I can't seem to shake off this feeling of helplessness and lack of control.  I feel unsettled and unprepared...I feel frozen.  I should be doing housework and research and yet all I do is surf the Internet and do minimal cleaning.  I don't want to panic.  I don't want to yell at the kids.   I want this week to be relaxing and happy and calm.

Before last night, I had an inner sense of peace about our first home study.  I could sense God's calmness and could sense that we were being prayed over.  I don't know how else to describe it...

Even as I try to explain last night's breakdown, I know that I am still being held through this.  I am not reacting the way I have normally reacted to stress.  This is a good thing. 

So what happened last night?  Kickboxing happened.  Usually I feel some kind of success or accomplishment from my class.  Last night, was completely opposite.  I froze, panicked, blanked out, gave up, was pushed too far, and essentially, got a fantastic punch to the face. 

I got home feeling completely devastated, embarrassed, discouraged, hopeless, unsuccessful, out of control and incompetent.  I couldn't get my head wrapped around all this frustration.  Thankfully, my husband has a great listening ear and let me vent and sort through these feelings out loud.

You know when you were in school and your English teacher made you compare and contrast two stories?  I always hated doing those assignments.  But here I am , doing the same thing...comparing and contrasting my adoption process with my kickboxing process.

Last night, my instructor was teaching us offensive tactical moves.  We were asked to pair up and manipulate our opponent. I seriously do not know what happened to me.  Everything I had learned and practiced was erased.  I was completely out of my comfort zone (just like adoption).  The others in my class were observing this train wreck that I could not control.  I wanted to get off the mat and just observe, not to be the one on display.  I was pushed encouraged to keep going; to stay in the game.  Mentally, I couldn't do it; I shut down.  I felt hopeless.  I tried so hard to fight back tears of embarrassment and frustration.  And then in that moment, it was as if everything I was holding in about my fears for Saturday came flooding to my head!  Arg, not a good time or place to become "a girl".  Very soon after, I was paired up again.  I have never gone into a match hoping to get scored on so that I could leave the game.  But, that is what I did and I payed the price for it... thank God, I do not have a black eye today. 

In my adoption journey, God has made it clear to us that this is the journey we are to embark upon.  We felt a calling to pursue a special needs adoption.  This path is already punching us in the face, playing mental games on us and knocking us on our butts.  I am out of my comfort zone.  People are aware of our journey; we are being scrutinized for our decisions.  We are on the offence and the defence.  Every time we get a bump, God encourages to keep going; to stay in the game.  I have gone into this journey researching adoption, researching what needs we are comfortable pursuing and how it will affect everyone in my life.  With the homestudy approaching, I feel like I am getting into the "ring" only to freeze up; to forget what I know and practice.  I don't want to shut down or feel embarrassed or humiliated again for making the wrong moves; or worse, for not making any moves.

I heard the song 10 000 Reasons (Bless the Lord) by Matt Redman three times in the last 24 hours.  Powerful.  Beautiful.  I dont' know if this link will work (probably not) but you can Google it if you don't know it.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jYLTn4fKYQ

"The sun comes up
Its a new day dawning
Its time to sing your song again
What ever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes"

Thank you for praying for us.  We are blessed to have many people encouraging us and praying for us.