Limbo

I think it is time for me to be completely honest, this wait has kicked my butt.  I am agonizing each and every day from the time I wake up until the moment I go to bed.  Everyday I wake up with hope that the day will bring good news; that we will get the email or the phone call that we have been waiting 5 months to receive; the call that tells us to go and pick up our daughter.

I feel so much anger right now.  My fuse is short, my patience is nil.  I try hard not to let the anger control me and my response is to be numb.  Numb from feeling anything.  Months have gone by wasted waiting for something to emerge from the dark hole of adoption land.  Being in limbo is anything but glamorous.  Every plan, every activity, every decision is made based on the "what if we get the call" scenario.  

I dread the question of "have you heard anything yet".  It is hard to be in public anymore because of this repetitive haunting question of curiosity and eagerness.  We understand the innocence of this question and we don't hold anyone personally responsible for asking.  The people who ask with love and support are different than the ones that feel the need to give us their opinion of anything adoption.  This question of whether we have heard anything, however, is a constant reminder that we are still waiting and not hearing anything.  Trust us... the moment we hear from our agency, that we can go get our daughter, the world will know.  We WANT to share this news!

With Easter approaching, my heart is broken even more.  The realization that my baby isn't here celebrating with us is gut wrenching.  The thought of Mother's Day approaching and realizing that I will not have all 6 kids together is beyond disappointing.  I truly, with all my heart, did not think we would be split up this long as a family.

So as each day passes, and no news is heard, I am asking with all my heart for prayer.  I want this feeling of numbness and anger gone.   I do not want to hear "it's in God's time" from anyone anymore. We have heard that statement said repetitively; new supportive thoughts are welcome though...just not that one anymore...please.  Instead pray for peace for us.  Pray for our baby.  Love us. Remember who we were before this part of the process...we will get there again ha ha. If you know any lady that is overdue in her pregnancy, you can sympathize with her irritability and emotional ups and downs. Believe it or not, adoption brings out a lot of the very same responses...physically, emotionally, psychologically.  It AMAZES me how similarly I am reacting to this paper pregnancy to my other pregnancies.

 I want to be able to enjoy this last month before our daughter arrives.  Even as we get the call to get her, we will still have a lot of prep to do; preparations that we cannot do until we get the call.  Thank you to all who have poured out your love to us.  Thank you for those praying for us.

Prayer. Please for I am weary.