Adoption Cranky

The title is self-explanatory...we are adoption cranky.  We thought for sure we would be picking up our daughter already or close to picking her up.  I thought we would have her with us to celebrate Easter.  It doesn't seem to be this way.  We are waiting for our paperwork to go to the embassy.  Hopefully we will get some travel dates after all of that is done.  It is taking forever. I miss her with every part of my being.  I have a huge hole in my heart that I cannot fill.

The waiting has been hard.  I have not done well with it.  I have gained a stupid amount of weight (having my kickboxing class close down during the middle of all of this didn't help matters either boo hoo), I can see the stress in my eyes and on my face.  I am tired.  Tired of waiting, tired of being asked by everyone when will we be going.   I wish I could just move forward and go on with life as though nothing has changed but I can't.  I have to prepare for my baby.

We have her room ready to go.  I bought diapers and wipes.  It was SO WEIRD buying those again!!!  We bought a change table to go with those diapers and wipes ha ha!  I bought some baby food for her because she most likely does not eat solids.  Baby food has CHANGED since my last daughter.  There are these weird looking squeeze packages now (you can even buy spoons that attach to the ends of them!!)  I must have stood in the baby section for over an hour (over a few days because I got so overwhelmed with what she may or may not need that I just gave up).  In the end, I pretty much grabbed one of everything and left HA HA HA!!!

I feel like a new mom again.  It is really weird because I have five other kids already.  Getting ready for the arrival of Little Miss is not nearly as calm as babies 2,3,4 and 5!  I don't know what she eats, how she eats, what kind of bottle and/or cup to bring.  Then throw in those squishy food packs sheesh!

I cannot figure out what size of clothes to bring either.  She is around 18 pounds but long (she will probably be 2.5 years old by the time we get her).  I though 18 months would be a bit big but doable, however, after reading the labels on the clothes, I'm thinking she may fit in 9 month clothes!!  Yikes!  So...I'm thinking 12 months may be the solution instead.

Not a moment passes that I don't wonder how Little Miss is doing.  Is she with a baba (a special lady that teaches her how to bond and attach by spending quality time with her)?  Are they preparing her for us?  Do they treat her well?  Are they growing her hair out instead of chopping it off like a boy (yes, I think about this ha ha)?  What appointments should I be anticipating?  Is my doctor actually the right person for her?  If not, what is plan B?   My head is spinning.  I am in agony.

A couple of ladies have mentioned that they would like to throw a shower for Little Miss.  I have only ever had a shower for my oldest child.  It is a (really) weird concept for me.  The more post-first-born baby showers that I have now gone to for other families, the more I have come to appreciate the thoughtfulness and reasons behind it.  Although, it is not what I have known, it is growing on me ha ha!  If I was having a newborn, I don't think the idea of having one for Little Miss would stress me out as much as it does in our situation.  I honestly do not know the best way to deal with an adoption shower.  Some other adopting moms suggested to have one prior to Little Miss coming home so that we can work on our attaching/bonding/cocooning (THERE WILL BE A POST ON THIS TOPIC).   Others suggested waiting a few months until we get home, others say to have one and leave Little Miss at home (and/or have dad pop her by for a very quick sneak peek).  Honestly, I don't know what to do at all and when I feel like this, then I just don't want to do it period.  Like I said, I have nothing in me.  The waiting and the roller coaster ride has sucked me dry.  I need to move forward already.  I also need to tell people something...oy.  Any suggestions?

I have been trying to make freezer meals to keep on standby for when we get home from Bulgaria. Unfortunately, the longer we wait to go, the more meals I have used up ha ha!  Having little motivation lately has made cooking supper quite the chore.  It's so much easier to grab a pre-made one and healthier and cheaper than take-out.  We were so incredibly jet-lagged after the last trip that I want to be as prepared as I can this time around -especially with a new child.  If anyone has any good freezer meal ideas, please forward them our way.

I know there will be an end to this.  I know that these "labor pains" will be worth it (and forgotten even).  I know that it is all in God's hands and in His time and not mine (this saying is getting on my nerves and I don't know why).  Knowing all of this doesn't make the everyday pain feel better though.  No one can say that we do not want this child.  If we had to do this all over again...every single piece...we would in a heartbeat.  This child deserves a family and we are so lucky to be her family.  We are waiting.  We are praying.  We are eating way too many mini eggs!

If you are praying for our family, please pray that the paperwork gets settled swiftly and accurately so that we can go soon.  Please pray for Little Miss's heart to accept her new family.  Please pray for her health. Please pray for her caregivers that they meet her needs with love.  Please pray for all the preparations that are involved in our travel.  Please pray that we find good hotels this time (we are staying in a different city).  Please pray for our five here as they prepare for their new sister.  Please pray that hubby and I make it through this process as a stronger couple.  Please pray that we are able to help Little Miss with her needs naturally and without fear.

Court

We have a new sister now!  We passed court!!!

We were pleasantly surprised to wake up to an email from our agency to say that we passed.  It is Monday now and we are now able to think straight again.  Our baby is ours now.  She is coming home to some very excited big sisters.  We are overjoyed.  I cannot wait to hop on that plane next month and go get her.  This journey is long and emotional, but she is 100% worth doing this for.

Please continue to pray that all the details get worked out for us to go pick her up.  Thank you for the love and support.

Court date

On Tuesday Morning we were given some great news!  We have a court date scheduled for March 7 at 1:00 pm (Bg time)!!!  

We are OVER THE MOON excited!  I will not be sleeping that night!  

It will be 4 am here when the fate of our family is decided by one person! 

Please pray for all to be well that day.  We are getting so close to bringing home our daughter!

Why we are not given the whole chunk of money at once

I wrote this on November 8, 2012:

It struck me this week.  An epiphany, if I may.  We were NEVER meant to have the full funds for this adoption right up front!  Never. Ever!

Does this scare the living daylights out of us????  YEP!  But most importantly, we have had to really dig into our faith in God.  We have had to battle things together in our marriage about what is important to us, how we view our lives, what we want as a family, where our priorities lie, etc.  Deep, deep stuff.

We have also had to reeeeeaaaallllllyyyyy come out of our comfort zone and talk to people about a very personal aspect in our lives and that is MONEY!
If we didn't have to fundraise and discuss various methods to funding this adoption, we probably wouldn't be able to reach out and talk about God's desire for people to reach out and HELP THE OPPRESSED (whether a widow, orphan, poor, needy, etc).
We are learning as we go.  I have already had a couple of people tell me that if it was them going through this adoption they would have thrown in the towel already.  Truthfully, there are days that I want to.  Boy, do I ever.

It's frustrating.

 I wasn't comfortable publishing it at the time I wrote it.  I saved it for another day.  Today, a year later, I went back and read it again, knowing it was there and the knowing the reason for today's post.  I think the reason I didn't post this a year ago was because of the peace I felt after this "epiphany".  This peace of putting God in complete control of our financial stresses that came with adoption.  It was humbling, to say the least, and amazing to see who God used to support the adoption (both financially and other ways) and how they were used.  People whom we would have never expected to support us did and people whom we thought had the same ideals challenged us.  It was eye opening.

So why am I posting today?  Take a look at our fundraiser thermometer...  God has provided the funds for this adoption.  Through hard work and generous gifts we are fully funded for the next and hopefully final portion of the fees.  It is sitting in our adoption account waiting for the final payments to be made.

Right now we are waiting for a court date in BG to make Little Miss our daughter!  Please pray this comes quickly.  It's been two months since we held our baby.  I knew we would have to wait.  Please pray that we have an amazing judge.  Please pray for our facilitators/lawyers that are working on our behalf.  We are so close, yet so far from bringing home our little one.

Thank you to everyone who is walking this journey with us.  Thank you for the prayers and the encouragement.  Thank you for the donations and the funds.  Thank you again to the people who helped with the fundraiser at church last Christmas.  Thank you to the people who organized and attended our poker tournament fundraiser last year.  Thank you to the people who babysat for us. Thank you to the people who drive our kids when we are unable.  Thank you to the people who listen to be freak out on them (ha ha).  There is so much for us to be thankful for.  Little Miss has a wonderful support system here!

A lot happens in a year

A year ago, Corey and I got up in front of our church and explained to the congregation our plans to adopt.  We explained (or at least tried to explain) how international adoption is expensive and where the fees all go.  We had just submitted our dossier and were waiting on approval from the
B government.  It was really hard for us to get up and pour our heart out especially when we didn't have a certain child that we were matched up with yet.

We had a wonderful lady from our church offer and volunteer to help set up a fundraiser to help fund some of the fees.  The goal for us was to have the next big junk of fees ready for when we got a proposal.  We knew that a proposal could be given really quickly once our dossier was accepted.  The blessings we received from the fundraiser went above and beyond our wildest dreams.  God provided the next set fees in almost one day.  A result of that day was pure peace that we were doing God's Will and that He was going to provide the funds necessary to adopt a little girl that deserves a family.
God has been so amazing.  Almost every dollar has been raised for the adoption including every single unexpected fee that was thrown at us.  This was done in ONE YEAR!  Almost to the day!  It has been so neat to watch God's Work through this adoption.  There have been quite a bit of "God Moments" since we have agreed to pursue adoption.  I wish we wrote them all down.  I'm sure there are a ton that we don't even realize.  The moments that we do realize, however, are beautiful.

A year has passed since our fundraiser and now we can say we have MET this BEAUTIFUL little girl that will join our family.  She is REAL now.  She is more than a thought or a hope or a dream.  She is a human being with a promising future.  She is so loved and adored and she isn't even in our home yet.  She has sisters praying for her and building dreams for her.  She has parents that love and adore her and are HEARTBROKEN to have split from her during this next phase.

So many people have said to us, "It must be hard leaving her behind".  On a bad day, I want to spit sarcasm out... "What do you want me to say...Uh, no it was so easy leaving her in an institution where she can stare at her hands all day as entertainment".  I think I have bit my tongue on those "bad" days though (or at least I sure hope I did).  MOST of the time, I know the comment is the person pondering or being supportive, or striking up a conversation.  IT SUCKED LEAVING HER! I cried.  I am angry.  I can't seem to find anything to remotely keep me occupied.

You would think Christmas with five kids would help pass the time.  Nope!  I just want Christmas break to pass.  I met her.  She is real.  I touched her.  I kissed her.  I smelled her.  I made her laugh.  I cuddled.  I loved.  She felt LOVE.  She was left.  What is she doing for Christmas?  What is she doing for her BIRTHDAY on Friday?  Does she get celebrated? Who is with her? Is she sick?  Is she cared for?  Is she treated well?  Is she getting food?  Is SOMEONE loving her?

For these moments of complete anguish, I remind myself that God loves her.  God protected this baby before I was aware she existed.  God got her through hospital visits and protected her throughout her surgery's.  God provided the RIDICULOUS fees associated with her adoption.  God gave us amazing people to help facilitate the many, many avenues of this journey -from the fantastic social worker we were given, to the Bulgarian facilitator, to the bank tellers and clerk at the police station here in our town.  We have made new friends as a result of our journey.  We have stepped (leaped) totally out of our comfort zone and made ourselves vulnerable.  We have met people who are watching us go through this with their own dreams/ fears of taking this leap of faith into the crazy word of adoption (psst....DO IT...it'll change your life!!)

I wrote this back in April but it is fitting for this time of year:

If it is not you calling to adopt an orphan...that's OK...do something that is within your abilities!  

Advocate for orphans so that others hear the cry/the plea to adopt/sponsor/foster. 

Financially Support - If you are able...donate!!!  This isn't a plea to fund our adoption... this is for orphanages and shelters and families that are struggling and also for people who want to adopt but need some assistance. 

Goods and Services - Group homes, orphanages, foster families, shelters, hospitals, nursing homes, etc...they could all use SOMETHING whether it is groceries, clothing, food, companionship, supplies, volunteers, handy people, etc.  We all have something that can bless someone else!   

Pray.  Ask God to use you.  Ask God to show you where a need is.  Ask God to bless your contributions.  Pray for the individuals in shelters and homes and institutions.  Pray for the needy, the malnourished, the disabled, the abused, the poor and the lonely.  Pray for the workers and volunteers.  Pray for the people adopting and for others to step up and adopt.  Pray for our country, our world, our communities, our leaders, our educators, our neighbours, our families.  

“I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.  (Matt 17:20)

Thank you for praying for our family.  Thank you for praying for our sweet Little Miss.  We have sent all the paperwork required of us to update our dossier to send off to the judge.  We have no idea how long this next phase will take us.  Right now we wait for a court date.  This could be a long time.  In theory, it doesn't have to take a long time our facilitator told us.  Wow, wouldn't that be a miracle to have a super speedy court date!  

Please continue to pray.  Pray for the judge that will be reading our file.  Pray for our facilitators to represent us well.  Pray for all red tape to go smooth.  Pray for citizenship for Little Miss to be smooth and easy.  Pray for Little Miss (to keep her healthy and nourished and cared for).  Pray for the girls as they wait so patiently for their new sister.  Pray for us as we prepare for her arrival and her medical needs when she get here.  

Thank you!  May God Bless each person that walks this with us directly or indirectly :)

The Dreaded Last Visit

November 29

Today is the dreaded last visit with Little Miss. Please pray for us today for strength and peace as we visit with her and then leave her behind. I want to puke. My head is pounding. Not only is my heart completely broken for this child and the other children here, but I miss my girls back home too. I feel like I have two broken hearts right now. One here and one across the ocean.

I may have cried just a wee bit today. In one week we have established a bond with one of the toughest, flexible, silly, gentle, stubborn, beautiful, smart, amazing little girls in BG. You can tell the caregivers that adore her. It took until today for them to ask why we chose to adopt a child with Down syndrome. They are excited to see her go to a family with beautiful sisters. They cannot comprehend how I do not work. It is not common to have a large family here.

We sat down with the director before departing.  She is one tough looking lady. She doesn't smile often. I cracked a smile a couple of times this week from her and I actually saw her tear up when I was melting down explaining how we will miss our New Sister.

We drove to the capital to sign our papers. I would not want to be a translator. The poor guy had to read every single legal word and number for an hour. Yuck.

We said goodbye to our driver, lawyer and translator. Tomorrow we fly to London to spend the night and then make the long flight home. I may be a walking zombie this coming up week so don't expect much ha ha!

Thursday Visit

November 28

Last full day with Little Miss. Tomorrow we only see her in the morning and then we drive back to the capital to sign our papers to proceed with her adoption.

This morning was an ok visit. Little Miss is now brought down to the playroom before we get there. The caregiver says she calms down as soon as she comes to the room because she knows we are coming. Poor girl is going to be crushed next week.

They left a bottle of juice in the room with us. I tried feeding it to her. At first it went ok and then she totally flipped out! I think she had a sore throat and the acid from the juice hit her. She puked not too long after. There had been times I caught her swallowing her spit up this week. Yuck.

Today was a breakthrough!!  She allowed me to put her on the floor!  We played for a bit (until she puked). She is trusting us. Grr the process sucks. Lets build her trust and then leave! Sooo stupid!

The therapist took us down to her therapy room to show us what she does to help strengthen her. Little munchkin wanted nothing to do with it though. She cried through the whole ordeal. Broke my heart. I just wanted to pick her up and make her feel better. The therapist said the same thing about Little Miss in that she knows us and just wants to be with us. As soon as she was in my arms again, she melted right into me. She was so comfortable and not stimming... Something we didn't see of her yet.

 

In the afternoon, she must have had a great nap as she was super playful. She sure likes the glow worm and noisy book a friend of ours sent!!! I have all the songs memorized (again) ha ha! 

From the hubby:

 

"I am thankful that some restaurants have fully translated menu's in English. How else would I be able to spot a great deal on a Beef head with tripe. But I didn't order it, I fear an entire beef head would be too much to eat. "