Second Course and a whole lotta prayer

Just when I thought we were close to the next phase of this process, our agency throws us, yet ANOTHER, curve ball.  Tomorrow we have to have a conference all with a different social worker from the agency to discuss what we did (and did not) learn from our educational component to see if she needs to supplement us with more information.  It was news to us.  We were not told this would happen.  I asked if this was a test and the agency said it wasn't....ummm....how is this NOT a test!?!?!  If we don't know enough, we get more calls!  I can see us having at least one more call after this because the info that they sent us to be discussed tomorrow was not the same as the stuff we covered in the class.  Seriously frustrating!

I have been so angry and frustrated with our agency that I have actually contemplated throwing in the towel.  It's times like this that I am so grateful for certain people in my life that encourage us and remind us about the precious daughter that we are waiting on.

I have taken for granted how easy it was for us to get pregnant.  This adoption process is far more demanding than the nine months of hell my body went through during my pregnancies (I did not have easy and wonderful pregnancies...in fact, I disliked being pregnant for the most part!).  Now, as people around me are having babies and getting pregnant, I am getting more and more mad at this intrusive and demanding process.  I want to scream and shout and have major toddler-like temper tantrums!  I would rather go through labour & delivery without and epidural than go through this journey right now! 

I have been hiding my feelings for a while.  When people ask, I usually say the process is slow and we are just trucking along.  What I really feel is that this process is making me a crazy woman, who is almost always thinking about adoption, is jealous of all the happy/easy and FAST stories about other people's adoption, is questioning myself and all aspects of my life.  I am doubting myself and stressing and worrying. 

Being summer holidays, I have been busy with the kids and holidays.  We haven't been to church in...let's just say...a while.  We are not morning people in this house and our church changed their hours to start an hour earlier for the summer time.  Seriously, whoever thought that was a good idea should be given a shake!  I understand their logistics...early church equals more hours to play in the afternoon (this is a VERY outdoorsy community).  However, I think more adults "play" later in the evenings (and maybe even the wee hours of the morning) and kids go to bed later and summertime should not be the time to make people get up earlier than the regular calender year.  Just sayin'....

I haven't been to kickboxing in WEEKS!  It doesn't help that, they too, moved their hours down to accommodate themselves and shortened their classes from four classes to a mere two.  I guess, having a newborn baby to snuggle with and cuddle and coo over is a good enough reason...but, darn it...what about me!?!?!  Ha ha!  I'm not really this selfish...hmm, or am I!??! 

Unfortunately, this reduction in punching and kicking people exercise has had a real negative impact on my body, mind and spirit (arg, I sound like a hippie here).  I went back for the first time this evening and, let me say, it was so hard to get out the door.  I could feel myself slipping into some sort major funk these past couple of weeks.  MAJOR FUNK!  I have been so grumpy and moody and sad lately, the scale has not budged (the way I want) in a very long time.  I wanted to shut the door to my bedroom, lock myself in and devour a whole black forest cake with my bare hands followed by a face stuffing of double-stuffed oreos!  Ha ha, don't worry...I still had (some) self control and will-power!  I could feel that slipping soon too.  I really need to have my outlet....hmm...or a counsellor ha ha!

So, ya...back to this adoption mountain climb (because I am not in the mood to call it a mere journey right now!!!).  I need prayer.  Our family needs prayer.  Prayer for what??? you might ask (in case you haven't already thought of a few on your own after reading this disturbing tale of cake and anger management issues ha ha).?  Well, here is a good starter list and please, feel free to add on to it ha ha:

1. Our conference call tomorrow with social worker #2
2. Our home study to be completed/signed off this weekend (this is another sore spot right now...bad communication with SW and agency...grr)
3. Finances to be sorted for next portion of our fees (this is where the chocolate cake issues manifest)
4. Strong relationships in our lives.  We are having a tough time connecting with anyone here (including/especially with the people from our church...I think I scare people...no, seriously...I don't get it...).  I really am longing for some REAL woman in my life that want to be with me and can encourage and  pray with me.  There's got to be some people out there that we click with?  Ha ha, maybe I am going to regret laying this one out there but it is a real and honest prayer request
5. Peace!!!  I don't want to be in this stupid funk anymore!!!  I want to embrace God's peace over this adoption again and all we come into contact with. 
6. The little girl that we are adopting.  At the rate we are going she may not even be born yet.  But, God has a plan and knows who she is!
7. Knowledge and resources to prepare us for the adoption of a child with Down Syndrome. 
8. Our family, the kids, our marriage, etc.

I think that is a huge list of requests.  THANK YOU to all those who have been praying for us.  I can see that our numbers are down a lot for our readers/followers but if more than a couple of people pray, God can work many miracles beyond my widest imagination!  I'm excited.  Bring it on!!!!

Education Complete

I am the WORST blogger ever.  With school ending for the summer and then having the kids home ALL DAY long, I cannot seem to find the time to sit down and get my thoughts in order. 

I am very happy to report that our AEP (Adoption Education Program) is done!!!  Yay!  I am soooo ecstatic.  It was such a hassle to have the agency set up a course from home but in the end, our agency came through for us!  We had a total of four conference calls to participate in.  We were given videos to watch and reading material to peruse.  During each call, we discussed various topics given by the facilitator.  The hard part of taking a conference call course was that I could not hide in the background in order to avoid questions!  The facilitator did a fabulous job of including each and every one of us into the discussion (whether we liked it or not!).

The second very exciting news is that we have completed our homestudy!  We are just waiting on our agency to read through the report before our Social Worker is able to have us sign off on it!  I am very curious as to what the report will say about us!  Our life is in that report!  Yikes! 

After the homestudy is signed off, we should be finally able to move on to the next phase (preparing our dossier)!  Whoo hoo!  Very exciting!  I wonder how long "soon" will be though???  The adoption process seems to go at a snails pace for us!  I have accepted it as such too.  I don't want to be disappointed and so I am trying to prepare for slow transition times, and tons of bumps in the road.  I do think that the slow transition time has given a few people the needed time to digest the fact that we are adopting.  Or maybe they are still waiting to see if it will, indeed, happen?  Heck, even I have to see it to believe it!  I get nervous just thinking about the trip to another country!  I am trying very hard not to jump steps.  I want to take things as they come or else I will be a wreck!

As much as I am trying to convince myself to accept the slow process, I reeeeaaaaalllllly want to have our last child here to complete our family!  I want to move on as a family.  I want to meet the newest addition and set up our lives with her.  I want to stop the anticipation of wondering who this child is and when she will join us.  I'd like my family to meet her and to welcome her and spoil her just like they do her sisters.  I want to witness all the firsts and milestones that she will reach.  I just want to love on her like I do our other children.

Soon...very soon...well, maybe one day....

Thanks for stopping in!  I love the comments of encouragement and am open to the questions that may be stirring! 

Please continue to pray for our family!  There is no way we would be doing this without God in the driver's seat!  The next phase requires more moola.  Please pray that we will be able to trust God's provision in the adoption!  Please pray for the little girl that is waiting for us.  Please pray for her safety and that she is well taken care of.

We pray that all people touched by this adoption ether directly or indirectly are blessed.  Take care!

Homestudy 2 completed

It is a very busy time in our house right now.  So busy that I don't know how long this post is going to be!  We have two daughters with birthdays 2 days apart and we had the home study visit thrown right into that!  Throw into the mix all the extracurricular activities that are winding down for the year..fun, fun, fun! 

This home study was basically the hubby's interview.  I had a bit of questioning at the end but mostly it was all about him.  I got to watch a full movie with the kids and then I even had time to put two of them down for a nap.  Pretty mellow on my part of the home study (thank goodness!!).

It was weird to hear that our questions were a bit different.  The context was the same, however, the Social Worker went into more depth about some things more with him than I.  I am glad that he was the one drilled more on our intimate life that I was...phew!!!  Even when he was telling me the questions she asked him, I was all red and embarrassed!  Ha ha!!!! 

Our next home study is sitting next to me, waiting for us to fill out and email back to our Social Worker.  There are a lot of questions to answer (at least 70 that I counted!!).  We need to answer questions on our childhood and upbringing, our relationships with various family members, our parents values and how we were disciplined.  Then we switch gears and answered questions about the age that we started dating, how the two of us met, our relationship, what we like and find challenging about one another, how adoption will affect our marriage, our "roles" in the family, how we deal with conflict in our marriage and whether we feel our marriage is secure.

We are waiting to hear about the mandatory educational component that we still need to complete before our home study is done!  Please pray that this part of the adoptive journey gets completed in a timely manner.  I would like to have this all signed off by the end of the summer at the very very latest.  Wishful thinking, wishful thinking...

I just want to thank all the wonderful people that have been so encouraging to us.   We appreciate all the questions and kind words.  This is truly an adventure for us and we will follow wherever God leads us!

Preparing for Home Study #2

Two of the blogs that I am following are travelling or just about to travel.  Very exciting and scary!   I can't even imagine that step into the adoption process.  The country that we are looking at adopting from wants us to do two one-week trips (three months apart).  One of the reasons we chose this country was because their travel requirements weren't as long as other countries.  Some countries require a one month stay!  Yikes!  With five young kids at home, I don't know how we could have pulled it off.  I still don't know how the whole travel process is going to work.  I try to put it on the back burner so that I don't stress about it.  I try very hard not to think about the fact that my first airplane trip may be a super long international trip! Ok...I am now putting all those thoughts and fears of travel BACK into the vault... right now I have to worry  prepare for our next home study on Saturday!  Eek!!!

This upcoming home study should be a bit easier to prepare for.  I'm not going to clean like a manic this time but I am going to make sure every room is tidy just in case she ends up somewhere in the house besides the dinning room.  Unfortunately my brother won't be here to take the kids during our visit.  Hubby has his one-on-one this time so I will be able to distract the girls for an hour while that takes place.  My sister also mailed some new movies for the girls to watch during the visits.  I am so grateful for that!  Yep, I am not ashamed to say that I will be using the TV as a babysitter ha ha! 

Prayer requests: Hubby's one-on-one interview, the home study in general, the social worker in charge of our case (safe travel for her, knowledge and understanding, etc), please continue to pray for the orphans throughout the world, please pray for our family as we prepare to add another daughter, please continue to pray for our agency (we still need to get the educational component done as part of our home study)

First Homestudy Visit

We spent the week cleaning and organizing.  Our house was clean but still looked like five young kids live here (and three 4-week old kittens). Our Social Worker arrived "late".  It wasn't until a half an hour went by that we realized that there is a time zone difference between where she lives and where we are.  Now we know that for next time ha ha!

The girls all went to bed late last night.  Dumb planning on my part.  I thought they would sleep in this morning and we'd have a calm start.  Well...that backfired!  They woke up grumpy and "pestery".  I was so scared that world war three was about to erupt while the SW was here.  Thankfully, some Lego with mom calmed them down.  They were all very excited to meet the lady and to have a movie and popcorn with their uncle.  I am so very thankful that my brother is staying with us for three months (for work) while we are having our visits.  God has fantastic timing!!!

Did I mention our SW is AWESOME!?!?!  She has to drive 5 hours to get here.  Yuck!! It is "cheaper" for us to pay for her travel allowance than it is for us to make arrangements for a sitter plus have both of us travelling 10 hours.  Our SW has family very close by and so she and her daughter have made today's visit into a social opportunity for themselves.  She will be reducing our visits from the proposed 6-7 (1-2 hours long) to 4 (3 hour) long visits.  Of those four, she is going to do one via e-mail to save on costs!!!  AWESOME!  The final one, the one where she shows us the home study report and has us sign it, she is going to swing by here while going to visit her family to alleviate even more of the costs!!!  Praise God!!!!  We are so very, very grateful!! 

So what did we do today?  We went over why we wanted to adopt, what our families felt about it, what kind of resources we have, experiences with special needs children, how we spend our time and how the inclusion of another child will fit in.  I also had my one-on-one interview today and Corey will have his the next visit. 

The one-on-one is a challenge because you have to talk about yourself.  What are your strengths, weaknesses, hobbies, what do you fight with your spouse about, how do you handle conflict, what does a good and bad day look like to you.  I wish I could remember the questions but the whole afternoon was such a blur.

When we were finished for the day, I asked her if she would be doing a walk through of the house.  She told me that she was basically looking to see that we have adequate room for another child and a play area for the children.  She said she had no concerns.  As she peeked in our family room, I asked her if she would like a tour anyways.  By golly, I cleaned the house up from top to bottom just for her I sure wanted her to see it at its best ha ha!!!  She seemed to love our house, yard and view as much as we did when we moved in.  Very good meeting today.

When she was packing up, my husband mentioned how we are thinking of staying in Paris for a couple of nights during one of the stop overs to our chosen country (to combine our 10 year wedding anniversary).  The SW indirectly told us to plan for our trip to Paris as she was leaving.  Ummm...I think she liked us!!!  Yay!!!  That 100% made me relax.  She was a great lady.  There is no denying that God's hands are in this adoption.

Friday night I also got a FANTASTIC email from our agency.  It seems they finally got their act together and partnered up with the association that provides the mandatory educational component to our home study.  The association is going to create an online version for our agency geared at international adoption.  I was soooo happy to get that email.  Now, let's see if they follow through and get it done in a timely manner.  Keep praying.  It seems minor, but to our family and other's in similar situations, this will not only be more convenient but also way more economical.

I am exhausted now.  The kids are all in bed and I am going to do anything but clean today!  I'm thinking a sappy movie may be in order!  Tomorrow is Mother's Day here so a very happy day to all the moms out there! 

Thank you for your prayers and support.  Some of you have been such rocks to us and we appreciate your love.  Please pray for us and this adoption journey.  Please continue to pray for the home study process and the agency that we are working with.  Please lift our family up in prayer.  We absolutely cannot do this without God.  Financially, we are not there yet either and we prayerfully seek God's wisdom and blessings for the funds to be in place for the adoption.  To God be the Glory!

Kickboxing and Adoption

I was pretty calm about this Saturday's appointment with our Social Worker until last night.  I don't know what happened to me but I can't seem to shake off this feeling of helplessness and lack of control.  I feel unsettled and unprepared...I feel frozen.  I should be doing housework and research and yet all I do is surf the Internet and do minimal cleaning.  I don't want to panic.  I don't want to yell at the kids.   I want this week to be relaxing and happy and calm.

Before last night, I had an inner sense of peace about our first home study.  I could sense God's calmness and could sense that we were being prayed over.  I don't know how else to describe it...

Even as I try to explain last night's breakdown, I know that I am still being held through this.  I am not reacting the way I have normally reacted to stress.  This is a good thing. 

So what happened last night?  Kickboxing happened.  Usually I feel some kind of success or accomplishment from my class.  Last night, was completely opposite.  I froze, panicked, blanked out, gave up, was pushed too far, and essentially, got a fantastic punch to the face. 

I got home feeling completely devastated, embarrassed, discouraged, hopeless, unsuccessful, out of control and incompetent.  I couldn't get my head wrapped around all this frustration.  Thankfully, my husband has a great listening ear and let me vent and sort through these feelings out loud.

You know when you were in school and your English teacher made you compare and contrast two stories?  I always hated doing those assignments.  But here I am , doing the same thing...comparing and contrasting my adoption process with my kickboxing process.

Last night, my instructor was teaching us offensive tactical moves.  We were asked to pair up and manipulate our opponent. I seriously do not know what happened to me.  Everything I had learned and practiced was erased.  I was completely out of my comfort zone (just like adoption).  The others in my class were observing this train wreck that I could not control.  I wanted to get off the mat and just observe, not to be the one on display.  I was pushed encouraged to keep going; to stay in the game.  Mentally, I couldn't do it; I shut down.  I felt hopeless.  I tried so hard to fight back tears of embarrassment and frustration.  And then in that moment, it was as if everything I was holding in about my fears for Saturday came flooding to my head!  Arg, not a good time or place to become "a girl".  Very soon after, I was paired up again.  I have never gone into a match hoping to get scored on so that I could leave the game.  But, that is what I did and I payed the price for it... thank God, I do not have a black eye today. 

In my adoption journey, God has made it clear to us that this is the journey we are to embark upon.  We felt a calling to pursue a special needs adoption.  This path is already punching us in the face, playing mental games on us and knocking us on our butts.  I am out of my comfort zone.  People are aware of our journey; we are being scrutinized for our decisions.  We are on the offence and the defence.  Every time we get a bump, God encourages to keep going; to stay in the game.  I have gone into this journey researching adoption, researching what needs we are comfortable pursuing and how it will affect everyone in my life.  With the homestudy approaching, I feel like I am getting into the "ring" only to freeze up; to forget what I know and practice.  I don't want to shut down or feel embarrassed or humiliated again for making the wrong moves; or worse, for not making any moves.

I heard the song 10 000 Reasons (Bless the Lord) by Matt Redman three times in the last 24 hours.  Powerful.  Beautiful.  I dont' know if this link will work (probably not) but you can Google it if you don't know it.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jYLTn4fKYQ

"The sun comes up
Its a new day dawning
Its time to sing your song again
What ever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes"

Thank you for praying for us.  We are blessed to have many people encouraging us and praying for us.

Social Worker Assigned

FINALLY, we have a social worker (SW) assigned to our family!  She is 4.5 hours away from us.  Silliness, if you ask me!  The agency wanted to have someone "experienced" because we are SEEKING OUT a special needs adoption (the SW told me on the phone that this was a new one for her too...someone choosing special needs -this is going to be a whole other blog topic!!!) .  This really bites because we have to pay her gas mileage to have her come out here. I, personally, think that there is just as qualified people closer by. The plus side is that she is going to keep our visits to four 3-hour long sessions. That seems do-able. Our first session is next Saturday!

It is frustrating because the director from the agency that we have been bunting heads with has now just left on an educational leave.  This leaves us with yet another director that we have to get a "feel" for. Grr.  All we can do is pray.  Nothing is in our hands.  I can't control any of this.  I hate the feeling of being out of control.  I am learning though.  Learning to just let things happen as they do. 

This week we will be moving in my "baby" brother to the basement.  He got a three month position here.  It is a good trial run for him as he has never been out on his own and I think it will help us out too while we have our appointments.  Hee hee hee, he doesn't know what he is getting into yet ;) .  Nah, in all honesty, I think he is FANTASTIC with the kids.  He will be a great dad whenever that day comes.  I'm thinking that I will pull out some crafty things that the kids can do while our SW is here and pop in a movie that they haven't seen yet.  For the most part, they are good through the whole movie and that will kill 1.5 hours of our first visit.  Crafty thing...beads maybe...something easy...playdough???  I don't know yet...something easy, yet something they won't fight about :)

I have a lot of cleaning to do to get ready for our homestudy visit.  I am TERRIFIED about this visit.  I am already dreaming about it and not sleeping well.  The fate of this adoption rests in her hands.  She is the say-all of whether we are a stable family, whether we have a stable marriage, whether we are able to take in a child with special needs!  I have to brush up on the special needs and how this will impact our family.   She wants to know about our support systems, resources available, our expectations, her expectations, whether we researched the special needs of choice -what is the meaning of it and how that will impact our marriage, kids, family. 

Did I mention I am PETRIFIED!?!?!?!  Please keep me in your prayers.  Please keep our family in your prayers and please pray for our SW. 

Thanks for visiting.  Hopefully I will be on top of my writing more :).  Then again, with five kids, a spring tea to bake for, a kickboxing test, my brother moving in, researching, driving the kids to their activities and frantic cleaning...it may be a while before I post again :)